closure?

This is a dream I had the other night:

I was on a speaking tour with two other colleagues and were waiting for our
panel at UCLA. [Note: yes, this is probably some work issues bleeding through.] We were standing in front of Anderson Hall when someone called my name.

I turned and it was B-. He looked different - dyed blonde hair, tweed jacket over a loose t-shirt and surfer pants. He was really tanned and looked a little beat up, like he was coming down off a days long drug binge.

My colleagues looked startled and I said, 'uh, hi B-.'
He asked to speak to me and after a hesitation I said yes. At which point, he shoved me into a waiting car and drove away.
I said that people were expecting me, I had a speaking engagement and he needed to drive me back. He said he just wanted to talk and I kept repeating he needed to take me back; there were people waiting for me.

So he did. When I got out the car and he drove away, my two colleagues were looking freaked out and I said it was ok. Nothing happened. And then we went back inside to wait to be called.

And that's the dream. That's it.

guess where i am?

i know you're tired of hearing it (or reading my Tweets about it,) but i'm at WORK right now.

one would get the impression, reading this blog, that my career is very important to me and that i am a Career Woman. one would be partially correct. i actually enjoy earning my keep and i love doing something at which i excel and which contributes to the general Good.

but i do not like having stomach aches, stress headaches, heart palpitations and general feelings of free-floating panic and fear.

i also do not like having to deal with the prospect of updating my resume and finding another job at which i excel, will pay me enough to cover expenses, allow contributions to my savings, and which would also contributes to Goodness - all in an economic environment in which barista jobs have become highly coveted.

you know??

(not that there's anything wrong with being a barista - i'm just not that service oriented and, in general, am not made for jobs that require touching food or money.)

i also do not like not having seen NewGuy for more than two days in the past 2.5 weeks and this is...different. LTF could've incinerated himself in his own apartment and i wouldn't have noticed for weeks.

(i'm sure these comparisons between NewGuy and LTF are boring but it's an interesting exercise for me.)

this week was so bad at work i'd wake up in the middle of the night with my heart pounding and stomach cramps. the only way i could get to sleep was to, uh, imagine NG was hogging the comforter and snoring next to me.

huh. i just made myself uncomfortable admitting that.

hammer, dropped.

i've just told (ok, emailed) LTF and said the sleeping together portion of our relationship is over.

i don't think he'll freak out; do you?

frontloading disaster

so it's been a full week - full of burglary, paranoia and work.

3 days into moving, i'm the victim of a forcible entry.
3 days into moving, i get locked out of my house because the mgmt company gave me the wrong keys to my back door.
5 days into moving, my toilet flushy thingy snaps in two.
5 days into moving, my refrigerator decides to just quit and all my food melts.

all that needs to happen next is for my oven to explode, the ceiling to cave or to come home and find that the thief came back to clean me out. or something else more horrible that will require years of therapy to contend with.

i just hope that disaster is frontloaded and i can continue on my blithe way without further disturbance.

if not, i just might have to think that the universe hates me.

in other news, dealing with LTF (in any capacity) has dropped down to at least #8 on my list of things to do, preceded by fixing everything in my apartment, safeguarding my person, getting internet service established and making copies of my keys to give to all my friends so, if i get locked out again, i won't be homeless.

thinking of boys while having to deal with important crap is just too much for a woman like me to handle.

...many a slip twixt cup and lip

i wonder how a 'real' feminist would handle this LTF thing...

i mean, i go on and on, writing about feminism this and feminism that. but, reading the current shitstorm over on Bitch PhD (and recalling other similar shitstorms WRT race or class privilege), i wonder at the many gaps that naturally occur when we write from one position but live from another. i wonder at my gaps and inconsistencies.

(for instance, i write about social justice and economic empowerment issues but am barely abashed at the fact i have a cleaning lady whose life and material circumstance is, most likely, a LOT different from mine - and this fact does not keep me up all night at all.)

here it is that i've been writing about patriarchy and feminism and empowerment while fantasizing about taking hammers to testicles and ... well, here i am. and there LTF is, with his weirdness and my reticence.

how would a 'real' feminist, say Audre Lord, handle this?

what's smaller than an Easter basket? chicago. (pt 2)

An update on the Easter basket story:

So I leave work to head out to LTF's place. I pick up a bottle of wine on the way (GustavoThrace, a very good California red) and get on the CrazyTrain, i.e., the red line.

I wait a while, I ring his place, he's not home, I wait longer and he walks up. He has a big ol' bandaid on his head. Like an anvil fell on him.

He looks all flustered and I think, Great.

Ding: What happened to your head?
LTF: I fell, jogging.
Ding: Like, your head hit pavement?
LTF: Dirt. Gravel. I was going really fast.
Ding: Mustabeen.

Inside, he checks his phone.
LTF: Is this you? Did you leave a message?
Ding: Uh...no?
LTF: Then who the fuck buzzed me? Who was it? Fuck, I hate it when people buzz me and don't leave messages!
Ding: Um...
LTF: It drives me crazy! It makes me want to call the police!
Ding: Dude. It was me, I wasn't sure if you were here so I buzzed then you walked up. I had no idea when I got here.
LTF: Oh. That's fine then. Sorry. Sometimes it just freaks me out when people buzz me and I'm not expecting them.
Ding: No worries...

It's clear he's had a long, hard day and needs time to decompress. So he vents about work, we drink some wine, we share work disaster stories, look at a weird 80s movie on YouTube.

LTF: So you met T- at an Easter dinner?
Ding: (processing his earlier freak out) Yep.
LTF: So what happened?
Ding: (giving heavily edited version) His girlfriend mentioned she went to X, one of my friends asked if he knew you -
LTF: How do they know about me?
Ding: Are you kidding me? I've been seeing you for 8 years and you don't expect me to tell anyone about you?
LTF: Why would they want to know?
Ding: Because I actually don't talk about you! It's natural to be curious. Anyway, then he said you were a good guy. Intense but a good guy.
LTF: That it?
Ding: (lying again with impunity) Yep.

Is discretion the better part of valor? Yes.
Did I avoid an uncomfortable confrontation? You betcha.
Does this make me a waffling, dishonest, coward? Possibly.
Am I ok with that? Absolutely.

what's smaller than an Easter basket? chicago.

How small is Chicago? Too small.

The K- easter dinner had just concluded and we were sitting in her mother's parlor digesting, enjoying a few after dinner cigs (not me!) and sipping wine. One of the other dinner guests, a tall gentleman with dreds, joined us. His girlfriend had just mentioned that she was attending X College.

I exchanged semi-alarmed glances with my friends. LTF taught at X College.

Roomie got that look in her eye. It was a look that said, 'Whatever is about to happen is going to make Ding freak out.'

G- smiled and said, 'And you? Do you go to X College?'
I quickly interject, 'Uh, no. Remember he said he goes to XY University?'
He corrected, 'But I transferred from X College.'

Roomie said, 'Oh, so maybe you know Professor LTF?'
He nodded. 'Oh, yeah! LTF. I took one of his classes. He's a cool guy.'

And he looked at all of us, waiting for one of us to tell him why we're asking about one of his past instructors.

AK, after taking a slow drag on her cigarette, said, 'He's a friend of a friend.'
I was silent.

Please, Newly Risen Lord, let this conversation end now.

He chuckled. 'You know, he's an interesting guy. He sent an invitation out after he got tenure - ' (Quickly, I calculated that LTF and I were not seeing each other at that time.) ' - and I went to his party and there was kind of a weird vibe.' He chuckled again.

Roomie slid me a glance. I kept drinking my wine.
'Really?' she said. 'What kind of vibe was it?'

Dear Risen Jesus! You are not listening to me! Please give this very nice dude a stroke.

He continued. 'Well, there were no women there. Well, there was one. She's in some other department. Built like a brick shithouse - a very voluptuous brick shithouse on high high boots - she was all over him, actually - but the party just had this weird guy vibe and I was wondering why I was there and what was going to happen. It was sort of ... adventurous.'

Good lord. I knew that vibe. I'd successfully extricated myself from that vibe several times. When LTF gets in a Burroughs-Bukowski mood, sometimes you gotta take your chances and get the hell out. And that woman? I recognized that outfit. I've *worn* that outfit.

He went on. 'But LTF is a good guy. If he doesn't like you, he won't bother with you but he's a good guy. He's given me some excellent advice about grad school. But there is something...One night I was in a gay bar with some friends because a band was going to be there. The band flaked but we stayed, having some beers and then LTF walked in!'

Really, Risen Lord. One stroke. Muteness. Plague of boils. Anything.

'We leave but he stays. A week later, I run into him on the bus and he says really loud, Hey, I saw you the other night in the gay bar! And I'm like, Dude!' He chuckled. 'He's just a little socially awkward, I think.'

My friends took in all of this in silence. The Gentleman in Dreds looked at them looking at me.

'Ahem,' I said. 'I, ah, know LTF socially. Uh, yes. Socially in a social way.'

Roomie snorts and G- smiles behind her glass of wine.
Thankfully, dessert was announced and the topic changed to the Muffin Lady (who is apparently out from her earlier charge of possession with intent to distribute.)

On the way home LTF texted me, asking if I was coming over later. It was late so I texted No.

Ding: But weird coincidence - I met an old student of yours tonight.
LTF: who?
Ding: His name was T-. He had his girlfriend with him. Weird, huh?

No response yet from LTF.

Yes, indeedy. This town is way too small.

this was really a work dream. really.

in this dream, i'm sitting next to LTF on his lumpy couch.

we have to talk, he says.
ok, i say.

we need to communicate better, he says. i'm not happy with just seeing you on the weekends, when you send me a message or text. i think we could do better.

uh-huh, i say.

i'm not happy with just this little slice of a relationship, he says.

oh? i say.

because, he says, i think that we could really lo--

and that's when i woke up.
perfect timing, huh?

best intentions gone horribly awry

it's president's day, gorgeous out (but probably cold enough to freeze my nose hairs) and i am home! bwa-ha-ha! (non profits may not have much in terms of salary, but they really give you all the holidays they can.)

so i'm sitting here, with all this free time to write, and i'm wondering what my monday post should be. after all, i have the opportunity to really fisk the hell out of some current event, or reveal my life's convoluted inner contradictions, or at least pound out a few snarkily condemning paragraphs on something. i even have time to draft my Awkward Sermon draft for the Geez contest i'm entering.

there's so much going on!
OctoMom and the vitriol her story has inspired (this post by Twisty is nifty for it.)
Chris Brown's domestic violence issues (Jay Smooth's interview with Elizabeth Mendez Berry is making the rounds so check it out here.)
Black History Month and the ongoing conversation about whether it's still necessary (yes, it is.)
The shenanigans in DC and whether our expectations of Obama need to be dialed back a bit (do you really wanna give our first black president a stroke??)

so, yeah. i'm sitting here, the day spread out in front of me like a delicious blank page and all i want to do is head up north to LTF's place, hang out, watch horror movies, read a graphic novel or two and frolic a bit.

unfocused

i didn't call and wish my dad happy birthday yesterday for various reasons, most being my penchant to procrastinate.

i still haven't finished christmas shopping for my family - or my niece's birthday in january.

i have an important meeting tomorrow and still haven't prepped for it - even though i'm flying out this afternoon.

i still don't exactly know what it is i want from LTF, if anything. adventure, habit?

this economy is scaring me a lot (it is really bad out there, folks) and i still haven't sketched out a rudimentary Plan B for my career if the bottom falls out of my sector.

i have a make/break it proposal due by end of month - in two weeks - and i'm not sure if i can count on other team members to hold up their end.

what happened to the focused person i used to be?

befuddlement

it's funny how, when you think you finally have life by the tail, things happen to muck it up.

i'm sure this is the feeling Gov. Blagojevich has as he begins his round of PR/reputation recuperation interviews with major outlets this week (look for him on the Today Show, Good Morning America, and Larry King.) i know i said that i wouldn't malign those with genuine mental illnesses by calling him crazy but his behavior befuddles me.

when he's impeached (and there's no doubt that he will be impeached by the end of this week and Pat Quinn will be our new governor by the beginning of February) will he refuse to leave his office? will he force security to eject him from his cushy digs in Springfield? will we be entertained/mortified by a videotape of our impeached governor yelling and screaming while being forcibly ejected from his office? or will he accept his fate and entertain/mortify us with a final press conference which includes a dramatic reading of Whitman's elegy to Lincoln? (O, Captain, my Captain!)
...
spent Friday with LTF. i brought back a souvenir from the Inauguration for him (he's a huge Obama supporter) and as i was taking a cab up to his place i couldn't help but think of how this was something Don, from "Mad Men," would do: come back from a trip and bring his long-neglected mistress a little something to make things better. i might as well accept it; this thing with LTF befuddles me, too.
...
on the work front, my mentor has taken a leadership position with another very large non profit here in the city. on one hand, i'm glad for her. on the other, i'm WTF!!

what does one do when one's mentor moves on? professionally, i recognize that i enjoyed a special kind of privilege because of her willingness to back me up. her departure leaves me vulnerable. when the new CEO comes, her strategic agenda could be very different and the structure of the agency could shift - and not necessarily to my advantage. needless to say, the impending need to navigate tricky office politics leaves me feeling...befuddled.

hmmm...read the tea leaves with me.

this week, the interim will be chosen, it'll take at least 6 months for a new search for a competent CEO to conclude, so i'm estimating that it'll be absolutely crucial for me to have my next leap planned and in place by june - which is also the end of the fiscal year and whatever agency-saving cuts need to happen will probably take place around there, anway.

(and since i'm all overhead, no matter my success with earmarks and appropriations this year or how generally kick ass i am, i'm on thin ice.)

looks like my New Year's resolution to Be Prepared will come in handy.

what she said: the freakily accurate tarot lady

Scene: friday late afternoon - dimly lit nightclub - office party - tarot reader's table

TarotLady: love your glasses!
Ding: thanks!

TL: so this will be a brief reading for the next 6 months or 1 year; we can talk about relationships, work, health, family. whatever you want.
Ding: i've been dealing with work all week so how about relationships.

TL: think about what you want to know and shuffle these.
(Ding thinks and shuffles)
TL: (slapping down cards) hm. are you...in a relationship?

Ding: it's (sigh) complicated.
TL: i'll say. (looks at all the upside down cards) is he married? involved? somehow not available? i'm getting that someone is really wrapped up in their career.

Ding: uh, that would be me. and no, he's just as single as i am. though he could be seeing someone else, i don't really know. (shrug)
TL: huh. this has been happening for a long time now, hasn't it? like a merry-go-round. but there's something there. intensity.

Ding: yeah. you could say that. it's been...7, 8 years? we actually have a lot in common and works. it's like having a long distance relationship but in the same city.
TL: i see. (slaps another card down) well. not for long. you two have an old soul thing going on but it's more habit than anything else. and 2009 is when you break the habit.

Ding: really?
TL: oh, yes. you break the habit. (another card) you move on. you learn what you can, and you're very sefl-aware, you know what's happening, and what you've been practising for happens in 2009. this guy is gone by march or april. march.

Ding: huh. wow. and there's someone else?
TL: yes. (slaps a card down) the one you actually want. the one you don't have to hide from your friends.
Ding: whoa.

TL: yes. he actually wants to be in your life, meet your family, friends, talk with you, spend time with you and will make the effort for you. but you know that you don't get married, right?
Ding: really?

TL: oh, yes. (slaps another card down) you don't get married. you'll be committed, but you're not the marrying kind. so if that was what you were hoping for, it's not in the cards.
Ding: no worries. (actually feeling some kind of relief)

TL: it'll be something that you and he understand. very unconventional and non traditional because that's who you are.
Ding: wow. thanks.
TL: you're not really surprised by this, are you?
Ding: no, i kinda knew. except for meeting someone new.

TL: 2009. it'll be a new year and you'll have a serious change.
Ding: good to know. do you have a card?

intimacy = epic fail

what a weird day: shoes thrown at Shrub, a good friend let go from my office, massive project about to descend on my shoulders and having weird, sudden, totally bizarre and *couple-like* thoughts about giving a christmas token (ok, gift, whatever) to LTF (Long Term Frolic) who would probably freak if he knew what i was thinking.

exchanging gifts is what couples do.*
LTF and i are not a couple. but i'd like to acknowledge the years (count 'em) we've known each other, show that i'm fond of him and to wish him a good holiday.

or is this guilt?**

what do you get someone who's been your lover for the past 7-8 years but who you've put in a tiny little box and never invited to meet your friends, family, spend a night at your place or read a single piece of your writing? (all 5 of my readers see more of my life than he does.)

a poinsettia? an ornament? an itunes gift card? a set of plushy bath towels***?
_____
* Not that i'd expect anything in return. geez, no.
** Which is what my old coach, Dr. C-, would ask me to explore. But I won't.
*** Or is that too girl-friendy, even though he really really needs them?