Friday, April 17, 2009

...many a slip twixt cup and lip

i wonder how a 'real' feminist would handle this LTF thing...

i mean, i go on and on, writing about feminism this and feminism that. but, reading the current shitstorm over on Bitch PhD (and recalling other similar shitstorms WRT race or class privilege), i wonder at the many gaps that naturally occur when we write from one position but live from another. i wonder at my gaps and inconsistencies.

(for instance, i write about social justice and economic empowerment issues but am barely abashed at the fact i have a cleaning lady whose life and material circumstance is, most likely, a LOT different from mine - and this fact does not keep me up all night at all.)

here it is that i've been writing about patriarchy and feminism and empowerment while fantasizing about taking hammers to testicles and ... well, here i am. and there LTF is, with his weirdness and my reticence.

how would a 'real' feminist, say Audre Lord, handle this?


BlueRidge said...

Well, I don't know enough about you and LTF to say what Audre Lorde would say, but maybe her essay "The Uses of the Erotic" [ ] would help?

From what little I've read of your relationship with LTF, I'm thinking it's not as empowering as Lorde's vision of the erotic, but that's just a guess.

liza said...

What's with the political purity test? Why do feminists have to live up to that? You're real. You're a feminist. To say otherwise gives up the power of that identification, que no?

I was thinking about Lorde's erotic too. I think she'd ask you if the sex was really that great. You know, like, Ding: does this feel right to you?

All the best people are bundles of contradictions. I'm only sort of joking. It doesn't make us hypocrites, but it does make us aware of those contradictions and how they impinge on other people.

liza said...

Or, more importantly, how those contradictions affect us.
I didn't mean to suggest that you were impinging on LTF. Geez, no.

ding said...

i don't think i have very many complaints about the sex but about the value of the sex, because the sex is all there is.

hm. no. rethinking that first sentence.

i think i might have complaints about the sex.

No Nonsense said...

Late to conversation, just catching up… So it does bother you more than you mentioned in your earlier post. Now you are thinking what would Audre Lorde do and also suggest that sex and or relationship with LTF isn’t that great, then I think she probably would release that part of her life because it isn’t satisfying or empowering. Her having a relationship like you described with LTF wouldn’t have done much for her at all.

“I become less willing to accept powerlessness, or those other supplied states of being which are not native to me, such as resignation, despair, self-effacement, depression, self-denial.” –The Uses of Erotica

But it easier said than done. We are complicated especially when it come to relationships. Do what you think is best for you, what feels organic, and goes with your flow. Be careful not to make decisions because what your friends think; only you Ding knows how it truly feels. Who cares if LTF is bi or freaky? But do ask your self some questions like why a seemingly LTF for 8 years (sugar that’s the # of years of both my marriages together)? does that truly empowers you? I am not saying that a woman should find empowerment through relationships but one that’s satisfying can only add to how you feel. Even if you don’t want partnership in a traditional sense you certainly deserve a LTF that satisfy, empowers, more integrated in your life and of course some freakiness (oh puhleeze you know you love it):-)

liza said...

Yeah, what she said.

ding said...


that does it. though i usually have the consistency of jello when it comes to LTF (he gave me something to do on a saturday night), i think this may prove the end of him. it's not his fault.

i may have grown past him. maybe.

i'm turning over a new leaf in my life and don't need the dubious gratification of a desultory pseudo-thing with someone i'm not that into (though he's perfect for me on paper) and who's not really that into me.

No Nonsense said...

Heellllllo Audre Lord :-)

ding said...

well, i'm probably going to have one for the road this weekend (a romp is the perfect antidote to this stressful week) but then i'll have to say ciao.

but thanks, y'all, for helping me get clear.

Anonymous said...

ding, go back through your archives. how many "one lasts" have you had with LTF/B-? don't bother with the romp, just say ciao.

ding said...

oh, i'm fully aware of my inconsistencies. but growth is in the willingness to try again.