closure?

This is a dream I had the other night:

I was on a speaking tour with two other colleagues and were waiting for our
panel at UCLA. [Note: yes, this is probably some work issues bleeding through.] We were standing in front of Anderson Hall when someone called my name.

I turned and it was B-. He looked different - dyed blonde hair, tweed jacket over a loose t-shirt and surfer pants. He was really tanned and looked a little beat up, like he was coming down off a days long drug binge.

My colleagues looked startled and I said, 'uh, hi B-.'
He asked to speak to me and after a hesitation I said yes. At which point, he shoved me into a waiting car and drove away.
I said that people were expecting me, I had a speaking engagement and he needed to drive me back. He said he just wanted to talk and I kept repeating he needed to take me back; there were people waiting for me.

So he did. When I got out the car and he drove away, my two colleagues were looking freaked out and I said it was ok. Nothing happened. And then we went back inside to wait to be called.

And that's the dream. That's it.

i didn't watch the first one...

new blog:
The Retort - It's Time to Talk Back: Black In America 2?!? No Thanks Soledad. Once Was Enough.

money quote: "If you wanna raise your systolic pressha a few more points, tune in July 22nd and 23rd. If you want solutions, stop expecting CNN to do anything right and go sign up to be a tutor."

(for the record, i tried to sign up to be a tutor and failed because 1-i hate teenagers and 2-i can only tutor english; if you bring me math i will look at you with panic. i don't want to be the reason you can't pass your ACTs.)

i am a bad american.

instead of spending my Fourth of July eating vast amounts of bbq, standing on a beach watching fireworks or drinking myself unconscious, i spent the long weekend catching up on sleep, strolling through an empty, drizzly evanston with M-, scratching at tiny mosquito bites and wondering what happened to an entire roll of toilet paper the night M- was felled by a bout of Bad Chinese Food.

hope y'all were safe, fed and also similarly relaxed. happy independence.

now. how about that sarah palin? what the hell??

because i've been so wrapped up in work i decided to catch up on some of my blog reading and, i have to admit, it's depressing. between the stuff about iran, new inroads against women's reproductive choice, the Ricci decision from the SCOTUS, new numbers about unemployment and the economy, the new report on black juvenile discipline (or over discipline), the Tiller murder, the jack-assery surrounding michael jackson's death, everything is just ugh.

i know that political engagement comes and goes in waves; during election years and campaigns i suck up everything and my blood pressure suffers for it. then, when things die down, i ease up a bit but i still read around. but it gets harder and harder. watching real politics up close and personal, watching how it translates into real impact on people's lives, makes it harder to appreciate and engage with privileged talking heads who treat everything like a debate club drill.

why do we listen to these people? why do we give them space to pontificate? why do we pay any attention to them? what do they really know?? you know what i'm saying?

why the hell do we read MoDo?
what gives David Brooks, Bill Kristol, Glen Beck, the Huffington Post or even Paul Krugman, any authority to speak on high?

so this is my way of saying sorry to the 5 readers who come here for political screeds. i'm a little tapped out.
indulge me for my M- posts. it's a break i need.

(speaking of breaks, i'm writing this from a neighborhood cafe. how long has it been since i've been able to do that??)

bullet, dodged.

while i'm intensely thankful i still have my job today, i am also intensely sad that i am probably going to be saying goodbye to a couple of good friends at the end of the month.

doom

i couldn't sleep last night.
at M-'s place, i tossed and turned, waking up at 2, then 3, then 4 and finally 5 am. i dressed, got my bag together and sat back on the bed waiting for M- to turn over. he walked me downstairs and gave me a big hug, saying, 'things will be ok today. they'll be ok.'

i think i mumbled 'i know' or something inadequate and walked to the bus that would take me to the train that would take me home.

i'm at work now and everyone is silent. no chit chat. no 'what did you do last night?' just silence.

i hope i get my pink slip by noon so i can go home and cry in private. then sleep.

i've decided that i'm done with being a do-gooder. i now want to work for the most evil corporate entity i can find in the region, make an obscene amount of money and not look back. really. i'm done.

suggestions welcome.

of walking, layoffs and tribes

needless to say, since this is Doom Week, i woke up a little stressed this morning.

but.

i put on my work out clothes and took my first morning walk in a month. (hellacious work schedule and spending the night at M-'s place on sunday nights has put a crimp in my routine.) but now that DOOM is impending i can't afford to slouch into my naturally inactive default position. so i walked this morning.

i walked and i thought about the meaning of my current employment upheaval; i thought about M-, saturday night and sunday morning (heh); i thought about how nice it is not to sweat; i thought about hating humidity; i thought about the proper way to align ones posture when exercise/walking; i thought about how having a dude in your life translates into extra hours of grooming; i thought about how big my butt is in my Nike pants but how cute my Puma shoes are; i thought about how i've survived two other layoffs. and then i thought about the pint of ice cream i should not have eaten all in one sitting yesterday.

and i walked harder.
...
planning for the fall of civilization, saturday night, at an old guy bar with M- and his friend D-:

M-: so if society collapsed like in Mad Max, you know what I'd do?
Ding: what would you do?
M-: D- would get his family on the south side, he'd meet me on the north side and we'd swing by to get you and get the hell out.

Ding: what if i have my own escape route?
M-: like how?
Ding: my girls! after 9/11, we planned to leave the city and head north to minnesota

M-: well, i'm heading south. underground.
Ding: underground?
D-: like the Morlocks.

Ding: uh, i like going north better. why don't we swing by and pick you up and head north.
M-: (stubborn) i'm coming to get you.
Ding: (just as stubborn) i have my own escape route. being in minnesota seems cleaner than living like mole people.

so, if civilization collapses, i anticipate spending some time arguing about which route to take - north with my friends, or south to the tunnels.

(on the other hand, it was sort of endearing. he included me in his post-apocalyptic tribe!)
...
saturday night, in a bad yuppie bar:

M-: so i got you something.
Ding: yeah?
M-: dealer passes to Wizard. both days.

Ding: (gasp) really??
M-: you said you wanted to go, so i got a couple of passes. you and Roomie can go right in.
Ding: really?? it wasn't a problem, was it?
M-: nah. i just said to the guys my girl wanted to go and i was going to use the passes.

Ding: and how often does one of the guys ask for dealer passes to Wizard for 'his girl'?
M-: never.

(this is Wizard.)