Tuesday, October 30, 2007

an expression of things desired

have i told all 8 of my readers that my coaching has officially turned into therapy?
(i'm going to assume there are more than 5 of you now, but i won't be as immodest to assume there are as many as 10.)

yes; Coach C- is now Dr. C- and she said, in no uncertain terms, that my intimacy issues needed immediate attention.

'really?' i said.
'Ding, how long has it been since you've spoken with B-?'

(let's stop here. i know i've been keeping my summertime dallying with B- a secret. but things weren't actually that bad and i was actually looking forward to maybe making things a bit more normal and - i just thought that if it turned into something, perhaps it wasn't a good idea to write about it all over the place. but, clearly, things didn't turn out the way i wanted so he's back on the blog.)

i replied, 'um...since labor day?'
'Ding! it's practically november! how are you going to make progress if you won't make the effort!'
'i was really busy! there were some personal things, moving, work, some medical issues...i had to re-prioritize!'
'normally, where does B- fall on your list of priorities?'

'on a list of 10 things, he is about a 6 right now,' i said. then i thought a bit more. 'actually, in all my years of knowing him, he hasn't really moved up past 3.'
'how long have you been with him?'
'on and off, 7 years.' i shrugged and threw up my hands.
'Ding! that's really bad!' she lost her grip on her professional demeanor a little and laughed.
'i know! that's why i'm here! how can i not do this anymore?'

she sighed. 'i think we have to get a little bit more...aggressive. if you're reading and crying over wedding announcements in the times and you're coming here, it's clear you are interested in having a partner, but your inability to foster intimacy is so entrenched, you will never get one. (ouch, i thought.) i think coaching is too passive. one month between appointments is too long. behavioral intervention is going to be necessary.'

'jesus. there's not just a list of things to do that will help me? you know...write some journals, make notes about my bad habits?'

she shook her head. 'we're past that.'

so...this is me in therapy. at least she said i wasn't depressed.

Patricia Miller and Alfred Zollar - New York Times


Orange said...

*makes popcorn, settles on sofa*

This should be good.

But seriously, good for you for taking steps forward, ding

ding said...

thank you.
i look forward to the journey.
and the stories. the 'behavioral intervention' has me particularly intrigued.

Atalanta said...

Hey now! At least with depression its just pills and no therapy!

But well done, Ding, golf claps all around for joining the headshrunk among us!

ding said...

i probably should have done this years ago, but what the hey - better now than never.

liza said...

"Behavioral intervention" sounds like it involves electrodes. So, good brave you! My favorite part of this story is that you want to turn it into narrative to fix it (write, make notes) and better yet, that you'll tell us the stories. Almost anything can be made bearable if you can turn it into a story--or at least this is what I tell myself: this will make a good story one day.

bitchphd said...

She sounds pretty good. I like therapists who can allow themselves to say things like "that's really bad!" and laugh at it.

ding said...

liza: everthing becomes more real for me when i write it. writing is how i process experience. to write about something is to take it apart and really try to understand it. someone asked me why i write about things here that i seldom talk about in public and i wanted to say, for me, this is my public.

therapizing will be so much easier to bear when i structure it for funny stories.

bitch: she's very cool. she's my age, newly married and preggers, and she's a woman of color. love her. i think she 'gets' me and she's less tough on me than i am on me. plus, she thinks i'm funny.

i'm sure my 'humor as defense mechanism' will soon become a topic of conversation.