this post officially goes in the TMI box. if you're squeamish then look away - like, here maybe.
if you're brave and bold, like a listerine breath pak, then read on:
i have a hemorrhoid.
it's making me afraid to poop. this fear, in turn, is making me constipated. which makes it harder to poop. which hurts my ass visitor. two weeks ago, after church, i went to walgreens. i just couldn't take it anymore. so there i stood, in the itch/burn/ben gay aisle puzzling over what to put up my butt to make it stop hurting. a suppository? i couldn't figure out the directions. a topical cream? my roomie told me stories of her dad complaining of leakage. the least invasive remedy i could think of: a medicated towelette.
i reached out to take a package when a guy came over and stood next to me, also pondering the mysteries of tucks vs. preparation H. we stood there, frozen, each with our own ass issues. i finally grabbed my box of towelettes and got the hell out of there. i even bought a box of girly laxatives (the box was pink!). but then my way too efficient cleaning lady came and threw them away.
tonight, while watching peter pan with my roommate, i decided to see what web md had to say. eesh. not good. words like 'vigorous wiping' 'pushing strain' 'probe' 'see your doctor right away' and 'fiber' throbbed at me.
i don't think i want to see a doctor about this, i said to roomie.
i think you should have a colonoscopy, she said.
i can't believe you just tossed that out like - like it was nothing! nothing is going up my ass! no one is going to send a periscope up my butt!
the fact that nothing is coming out my butt is not lost on me.
...
there's just no good way to finish a post like that, is there?
14 comments:
Here's one place you can stop:
www.biffy.com
It will clean your 'roid without irritating it.
My "tmi" post was about regular cleanliness. Yours is about a painful swollen condition and constipation.
Feel better, queen victoria.
Aww, hemmorhoids suck. Mr. B. has 'em, and yeah, he did go see a doc. I think you should screw up your courage and go, it's not really any worse than seeing the ob.
You know, in one of those anal sex books, it says that hemmorhoids get worse (or can start) if you sit too long on the toilet. Just fyi. Being as you're a girl, you probably don't sit there for hours the way so many guys do, though...
Five words:
eat prunes
take sitz baths
I officially know you better than I ever planned to.
i refuse to believe that my moments of meditation and repose are the cause of this.
(really? 35 minutes?)
what did the doctor do? i hate doctors. i won't go unless i know what they do.
Oh so you DO sit on the crapper forever. In that case, read this book, which will tell you how to retrain your bottom so you can spend your moments of repose in someplace other than the john. Jeez.
I don't know what the doc did, it wasn't my hemmorhoid. He looked at Mr. B.'s ass and said, "you have a hemmorhoid, here is a prescription," probably.
ok, so i clicked on dr. b's link and HUGE as day, the words ANAL PLEASURE flashed across my screen.
at work.
maybe i'll check it out the library.
if only a pill could make it go away...
Ding and Bitch,
Both of your TMI violations are way way more serious than my biffy posts.
"Ouch my butt! Yes, my husband's butt too! Maybe it's too much sitting! Is the record 35 minutes long? Help, everybody, what should I do about my butt?"
Your next post should be from the pov of the roid. What is it thinking? What is it feeling? What's it's favorite color? Tell us everything, ding(le berry), tell us everything.
Sorry 'bout your 'roids. Sounds terribly uncomfortable. You seem to have a great sense of humor about it though. And thanks for the pictures of the unicorns. I love unicorns! I thought they were real until I was like 10. Secretly, I still believe.
you know, this is what you get when the summer is slow. tale of the 'rroid.
i'm sure the hardy fella is very happy in his little home.
^^^ JP called it right...TMI, tho I do sympathize, having been there myself.
agree with the other post about baths and fiber. they WORK.
Trip to the Dr. may be good, but consider what establishment medicine is all about: chemicals!
Your 'roid is a thrombosed vein which needs soothing, not the GI version of the Normandy Invasion.
Do yer business on the throne more quickly, THEN slip into a nice bath with a girly novel and pass the time there.
Your chute will thank you.
-reader
dear reader,
if i could give a prize for best sentence, yours would win:
Your 'roid is a thrombosed vein which needs soothing, not the GI version of the Normandy Invasion.
thank you, ding!
everything that could be said about my butt has probably been said here but i will say that i'm intrigued by the promises of bitch's book to provide ass-relaxing exercises. the reviews on amazon recommend them.
and i'm realizing that i clench my butt a lot from stress. huh. i am my own worst tormentor.
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