blogging miss america

Yeah, you read that right.
I'm blogging the Miss America pageant. Not the South Carolina Primary.

Because the pageant show numbers keep tanking, the show, contestants and the pageant itself are undergoing a 'radical' makeover. It's on cable (TLC) and now Miss America is supposed to embody 'America's It Girl.' I don't know how much of an improvement this is supposed to be. The Miss America reality show took the 52 contestants, gave them makeovers, including 'tips' on how to be more 'accessible' and less 'Barbie.'

What a great marketing ploy. Give us the competition in a language we can understand (reality makeover/competition) and market the actual pageant as the finale to the pageant's commercial, uh, reality show. Brilliant. They wanted to make Miss America more 'relevant' but showing them how to become a tabloid-worthy celebutante is the best way to do this? And who was going to show them how to do it? A Hollywood stylist, an editor from US magazine and a fashion photographer I've never heard of (but he had a British accent so he must know what he's talking about.)

It's good to know the people who trade in image, superficiality and total vanity are now the arbiters of 'relevance.'

let the blogging begin:

the parade of states

-Wow, they've gotten rid of the yucky state themed dresses and kept them in the reality show 'teams' and there isn't a big teased hairdo among them. And what perky little factoids. (Oklahoma has a nut you can't eat??)
- North Dakota just broke out a Fargo accent. Excellent.
- Miss Washington is an early favorite; she has two gay dads and asked how we like them apples. We like them fine!
- I also like Miss Utah; she's military, tough and doesn't care about makeup - and she's one of the older women. And she just took a potshot at the Osmonds! heh!
- Miss Alaska is cool; she's Native American and doesn't really mess around.
- Holy crap. They have a DJ. A DJ to entertain the women who are eliminated. How...relevant.
- wow! jackie joyner kersey isn't dead! (Why did I think she was dead?)

Semifinalists!
Michigan, Iowa (she can juggle fire), North Carolina, Tennessee (she hated Miss Alaska and I didn't really like that), California (typical - Roomie just said they're choosing the regular pageant types), Indiana, South Carolina (tall, dark, woman of color with great presence - and very faith based), Georgia, Washington (yay!!), Arkansas (wow, there are a lot of blondes), Virginia, Texas (she adores Kelly Ripa), Wisconsin, Florida (yawn), Mississippi.

- Dammit! I wanted Miss Utah in the semi finals!

- They do look better in the jeans and t-shirts, though.

- Wait. America voted for one more semi finalist! UTAH!!! YAYYYYY!

- Clinton Kelly, from the loser bleachers with the DJ: 'Just because you've become eliminated does not mean you are not FIERCE!' (Then he feeds them carbohydrates. Not problematic at all.)

- Hey, the big innovation in the pageant is the way the new Miss America walks...less robotic and more 'free.' Apparently female empowerment begins with your strut. Who knew?

The swimsuit competition:
- There's really nothing to say here; who needs to judge women's bodies anymore than they already are?
- Good thing they have a DJ...
- OK, ok. one comment - they are really fit. like, toned.
- Love it. Miss Utah breaks out the black one-piece, in a sea of bikinis. Love her.
- Losers: Tennessee (was she related to Al Gore?), Arkansas, Florida (wow, didn't see that coming), Mississipi (boo), Utah (Dammit! Oh, awesome - she's doing pushups! And now she has the whole line doing pushups! It's the best elimination ever), South Carolina (that's it for the black women in the competition)

Evening wear:
- Love: Virginia (a stunning black ballgown); Wisconsin (like a classic red Valentino); North Carolina (simple and elegant)
- Hate: Washington; Iowa; California (looks like a walking Oscar, according to my Roomie); Michigan (showgirl, anyone?); Texas; Georgia; Indiana (oy, a beaded breastplate)
- No evidence of any stylist 'tips' so far; almost everyone is wearing a dress studded with beads or sequins. This is modern how??

Talent:
- Michigan, singing Over the Rainbow - geez. Kill me.
- California - She's running onstage! Opera! She's a soprano! Roomie has identified it from Faust, the Jewel Song. My Roomie is good. It's killing me. I like her dress, though. Interesting, she looks like my boss.
- Indiana, singing Bandido - She's wearing a big flower in her hair. OMG - the song is in Spanish! She sounds like Cher singing in Spanish. Factoid: she's lived in South America. Too bad this song is from Mexico. Everyone in the audience is totally WTF??
- Virginia, ballet from The Nutcracker - I've always liked this part of the ballet...I love The Nutcracker...it reminds me of Christmas...oh, she's done?
- loser: Iowa (Hey! We didn't even get to see her baton throwing! They always get rid of the fun ones!)

Talent, part 2:
- Washington, singing Angels - Please don't suck....please don't suck ...She picked a song that's actually been played on the radio. Good for her. No Fliedermaus or weird tejano for her! Man, I hope we get a Miss America with two gay dads.
- Texas, wearing a top hat and white gloves - I sense jazz dance...gick. Way to ruin Bob Fosse choreography from Sweet Charity; let's bring back clog dancing! (Roomie would like it.)
- Wisconsin, violin - She has a degree in music and a minor in voice and went to Vanderbilt; love her dress. Real talent makes us feel better about the competition
- North Carolina, dance to a Muzaked Four Seasons - what's the point?
- loser: Georgia (hey, we didn't even get to see her perform!)

The questions, asked by ordinary folks in Las Vegas (heh):
- What would you do to improve America's image? Wisconsin says we need love for America by volunteering.
- Does someone with HIV have an obligation to tell their fiancee? Michigan says yes, if they respect their partners.
- Should celebrities promote their religious beliefs? Virginia says they have that right to voice their opinions.
- Low youth voting patterns and what could be done about it? Washington says there's a disconnect b/ youth and political process and more should be involved with Rock the Vote programs.
- Thoughts about Paris Hilton and culture of celebrity, where people are famous for nothing? California blames it on materialism and wrong priorities and Miss America is great!
- Binge drinking and 8th grade girls? Texas blames it on Lindsay Lohan and she'd tell them Lindsay sucks!
- Country is headed in the wrong direction, what to do? North Carolina blames the media and Lindsay Lohan! As Miss America she'd have the chance to be the right role model, not Lindsay Lohan!

(wow, Lohan is as big an enemy to the United States as Osama bin Laden...)

- Brittany Spears' sister is pregnant so should she be fired? Indiana says, no. Lots of girls are pregnant but they're not bad, they just made stupid mistakes; we all make mistakes and she needs to keep her job.

Finalists:
4th - North Carolina!
3rd - Virginia!
2nd - Washington! (dammit)
1st runner up - Indiana! (totally called it)
(come on Wisconsin...)
Miss America...
Michigan?!?

What the fuck?? She sang Over the Rainbow! Dude.
There goes relevance.

Final Grade: B+ (for the new streamlined show, the genius in marketing and the lack of pouf)
Relevance: C

(Oh, and Obama kept Clinton at 27-29% all night. Yeah, buddy.)