taps for nerve

remember when Nerve used to be naughty? back in 2001, right before we launched our war on terror, before george bush made us too angry to think about sex ever again? back in 2001 when we wanted all the naughty, snarky, sweaty sexy flirtage in the world because we were doin' it for Freedom? because we "couldn't let the terrorists win!"?

remember when Nerve was the way we hooked up? i remember.

oh, the boys of nerve...snarky, dorky, smart, anti-authoritarian, reclusive, twisted, pervy, unshaven, secret geniuses, overt psychopaths, darling awkward loner boys of nerve. we met them in dive bars, lounges, coffee shops, museum lobbies and train platforms; we had a few drinks, shot a few racks of pool or maybe just got totally loaded at old town. we wrote naughty naughty emails, the kind of emails that could probably get you arrested in a few states now. oh, the words that used to fly! the limericks, the sly innuendo, the abrupt and beautiful candor. the rooftop test (if a boy makes it to the rooftop, someone's gettin' nekkid), the thrill of instant, hectic chemistry. and, god, the phone bills. those long phone calls from the bathtub at 5 am, those calls that interrupted girls' nights out and made us scurry to a quiet corner to chat and flirt and promise to call back later. those calls that all eventually led to someone's voice getting all quiet and rumbly and someone touching something the other person couldn't see.

god that was fun.

say goodbye to all that. nerve, like match.com before them, has sucked all the life out of online frottage. gone is the snark and the loose-y goose-y beery leery come-on; now your profile has all the snap and sweat of a resume. gone is the shadowy lure of assuming a persona, donning a mask that makes you glow faster and hotter than you could manage on your own. now you're nailed down faster than a coffin lid. no more 'self-deprecation'; no more coy dithering about how much you smoke or drink. now you're either a heavy smoker or a light, social drinker or a hard drug user. there's no more 'play' - just short term dating or long term dating. they actually ask you what your 'hopes and dreams' are!

it was like looking at a face under fluorescent lights so i deleted every profile i had in my inbox.

you know, online dating might've been skeevy but it was a fun skeevy; it was the skeevy you couldn't wait to tell your friends about. it was a fucking unknown adventure. feh - they've turned the dark walk to the back room into a frickin' kiddie ride at navy pier.

nerve is dead.