wavering between safety and a desire to do more meaningful work, i went on a frenetic cycle of interviews last week and the one before. i hated every single one. i could have tolerated any of those positions (which were just more of the same thing i'm doing now.) but i would have ended up hating everything again within a year. i'm noticing that my dissatisfaction cycles are getting shorter and shorter. a year from now i'll be totally unemployable because my bitterness and anger will make me unfit company.

so the dream is out there...floating. i'm just waiting for my next wave to bring me a little closer.

(note: networking is painful and i hate doing it. i don't care if it's about personal relationships. it makes me feel like a tool.)
...

blew off BC this weekend to trudge out in the blizzard to meet a girl friend for dinner and a movie. (A-- wagged her finger at me and said i put boys before my girls. hm. considering i've only had two boys in the past year and saw one of them once a season, i find that hard to believe. every single day i'm surrounded by my girl friends. what the fuck?) because the weather sucked so bad, i was going to call off seeing BC last night anyway, but to drag my southern california ass through snow and wet and wind for a less than spectacular movie and dinner just made me grit my teeth.

(note: 'house of flying daggers' is like an extended chinese music video. and i think a kung foo movie should be a fucking kung foo movie - i want to see kicking ass. not meandering bullshit romance and yearning. if i want that i'll watch 'cold mountain' again. more flying daggers, more kicking ass, less weird kissing and making out in beautiful chinese landscapes, please.)
...
my libido is dead.
desultory onanism results only in a mild, 'hm, that was...pleasant.' if i can't rock my own world, something is gravely wrong.
...
dreamt last night that my dad and bill cosby were friends. bill visited me specifically to ask me why i wasn't married and when i hemmed and hawed, he cast a critical eye over my outfit and said that my shoes could be better. he then proceeded to throw out everything in my closet.

bastard.
...
goals for this week: let's try and finish something, goddammit.