Talking to my FinanceGuy at Large National Conservative Finance Company:
FinanceGuy: Yeah, Ding. So sorry to hear about your situation.
Ding: So what are my options? I need to know how much I can float while I look for a job without becoming homeless over the next few months.
FG: What do you have?
Ding: That Rollover ROTH, the money market acct, some savings and unemployment. That might give me about....X dollars.
FG: (tapping on a calculator) Hm. If your expenses are as small as they were the last time we talked, then you could probably last a year.
Ding: Shut up. A year??
FG: Yeah. But you'd have to pay yourself a very small amount each month.
Ding: How small?
FG: (giving incredibly small number)
Ding: Shut up!!
FG: It's doable. If you cut out all extras and really stick to the budget, you could last. Definitely through the summer.
Ding: (imagining a summer of ramen and cigs, just like grad school) Dude.
FG: Don't worry about taxes for early withdrawals; we can worry about that later. Or your accountant can.
Ding: Yeah, my accountant named HR Block.
FG: (laughing) You are so funny.
Ding: Uh-huh. Well, thanks, FG. I know I'm not one of your big clients who can really liquidate things and actually live on it, but I appreciate your time.
FG: Well, I know that things are tough all over. I've actually been buying lottery tickets.
Ding: Uh, does your firm know you're telling clients you're playing the lotto?
FG: (laughing) I can barely understand how to buy one.
Ding: Me, too!! I think we're too bougie for lotto tickets. It takes some special knowledge to know how to buy them.
FG: Then your only hope is to marry for it.