amazing.
i'm sure you've read the news stories about that pregnant woman in ohio, jessi davis, who was killed by her boyfriend and found in a field. and then about that woman and her kids killed in illinois by her husband. what's up with men?? you have issues and the first thing you do is murder your girlfriend and kids?
it boggles the freaking mind. these stories of murdered women build up and sometimes it makes you look at the other half of the population all aslant.
this woman wrote her boyfriend a note in response to these latest stories of domestic violence against women:
If for some reason I am pregnant, and you suddenly realize that I am just days away from delivering, don't kill me. I know you might not be "ready" to be a father, but there are better ways out of it. Of course I would prefer it if you were a loving and supportive husband and father, but you might freak out. Maybe you're having an affair. Now being a man, you won't think things through. Killing me is NOT an option. Counseling IS an option. You do realize you would be the first person police questioned if I were to go missing right?
If you must be rid of me, just up and leave. I'll go home to live with my dad, or find solace in the arms of a best friend. But I will be alive, and that's the clincher. I'd rather be a single mom on welfare than found murdered in the wilderness.
...
when my dad was visiting, he got embroiled in a rather heated group discussion with my girlfriends about our singleness. it's a futile conversation but we keep having it and my girlfriends are gracious enough to indulge him. but his constant refrain, which kept puzzling us, was "be a woman."
we had no idea what that meant. we have ovaries. we're women. there's no escaping that simple, biological fact.
but to look at the larger culture, i guess 'being a woman' also means 'being killed.'
thanks, i'd rather not.
9 comments:
The only bright side to these stories, if you can call it that, is that these men are alive, were caught and charged, and will probably go to prison (or death row) where they'll be fairly unpopular. I hate it when a man kills the wife/girlfriend and/or kids, or random people (as in the Amish schoolhouse shooting) and then kills himself. If suicide's your goal, then don't be a dick and kill other people first. Just destroy yourself without the collateral damage, jerk.
There was a case in SF bay area just a week or so ago of a man (a doctor) who killed his wife and2 daughters (6&8 I think) and then killed himself.
If you are interested, there is an interesting discussion of this over here (I add my two cents in terms of the theories behind why this occurs during pregnancy):
http://melancholicfeminista.blogspot.com/2007/06/intimate-partner-homicides-and.html
thanks for the link.
i wonder about the theories behind these kinds of killings.
in the case of men committing these crimes, is it about jealousy and narcissism? are they men with abusive profiles? is it depression?
with all the stuff we see on tv (CSI, Law & Order, Dateline, Primetime, 48 Hrs) it seems these homicidal parent stories are increasing. just in chicago over the past few weeks, i'd noticed an increase in stories about live-in boyfriends attacking and killing the children of their girlfriends.
all murder is wrong and bad but these killings just seem so so so wrong.
These all too common stories make me so sick. Physically, viscerally. Sadly "be a woman" means be wife/mother, and those are the propertied territories of patriarchy. Women and children aren't actually fully human. Not in the same way men are. It takes a lot of deliberate work to make it otherwise in any individual's experience--and even when you do, you're still working against the grain.
And I cannot believe most college students (in my experience anyway) think I'm exaggerating. That it can't happen to them.
But the really really sickening part is how these stories make up so much of what passes for entertainment. And so, Tarantino has a doll of himself as rapist number two or some such crap.
I forgot to say: women perpetuate the wife/mother = real woman thing all the time. My own beloved cranky Tia Maria for instance. And it gets particularly painful when her daughter cannot biologically reproduce. And the rest of us, well, we really haven't served our actual purpose in life because we haven't sprogged and are making no immediate plans to.
And now we have the case of the pro wrestler (benoit) who killed his wife (she was bound) and later (a day?) killed his son (by using a wrestling move to choke him to death), and then killed himself. Horrific. Of course, the media is blaming it on his steroid use.
As far as why some men do this - there are so many reasons. Part of the main one is that it works - there is some seondary gain. They exert control and force - and it gets them what they want, and they feel powerful. They likely saw men using similar methods when they were kids - and saw it as a useful strategy.
And what leads some men to *want* to have that kind of power? We don't totally know - but psychopathology doesn't completely explain it. Crazily enough, I read an article recently that highlighted a group of men who batter who have strongly egalitarian views on relationships. I can't even wrap my mind around that. Often men who batter also do not condone violence at all in relationships - and do not at all see what they do as being violent. They see it as absolutely necessary or completely out of their control.
Oh, and one more thing - Sut Jhally and the media education fund have a great film on the links between pro wrestling and domestic violence. It's called "wrestling with manhood."
http://www.mediaed.org/videos/index_html
I had no idea my note would reach so many people.
it resonated, super d.
(and even though it's about a serious subject, the actual note was also frikking hilarious.)
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