(habits are hard to break. the title of this post was going to be 'Ding's 1st Christmas - With a BOY.')
Remember all those holidays I spent complaining about LTF's lack of will when it came to spending time with me when I finally had the time? Remember those posts dithering about some vague desire I had to give him a holiday gift? (The most I ever mustered was a Christmas card.)
Well, this time I get to spend a real Christmas with a real dude, and not some frakked up facsimile thereof.
He's spending Christmas Eve with his family; I'm spending it with a friend's family. (Happy Birthday, mom.)
Then we'll be together for Christmas to exchange gifts, watch movies and grab Chinese food. My perfect holiday.
I used to laugh at my sister every holiday as she'd dump a pile of gift-wrapped boxes at her husband's feet when they were dating in college; I thought she was a tool of the patriarchy. Now I laugh at myself as I wander Michigan Avenue trying to calculate his shirt size or whether he'll prefer cotton PJs to flannel. The universe played a joke on me and I have to give it props for its timing.
Navigating this new relationship, and the various ripples from it, makes me think about the progress I've made as a result of those two years of coaching and therapy. I'm so glad I went through that process. (I really can't recommend it enough.) I was feeling stuck and was just emerging from the fog of my mother's death. The progress since then may look tiny, but it's significant to me. From being blocked, guarded, defensive and numb to where I am now - autonomous, independent again, working to be present, checking in with myself, being more clear-eyed about what it is that I really value and what I need. Moving past B-/LTF.
Of course, these are 'first-world' problems; who else has such luxury to navel gaze?
But I'm proud of the internal progress I've made. Maybe 'Kick Ass' isn't such a bad resolution after all.
Merry Merry to all my 11 readers - thanks for sticking around this long!