Thursday, January 04, 2007

why women ain't funny: our uterus sucks out all the funny

Adam Ash: Christopher Hitchens explains why women aren't funny

have you read the hitchens piece about why women aren't funny (faithfully reproduced on adam ash's space)? it's a doozy. shorter hitchens: women aren't funny because mommies are never funny.

that's right; for hitchens, every woman is a nagging, churchy, fecund, humorless, authority-loving priss just dying to kill the funny. in other words, vagina dentata. that toothy vijayjay inhibits everything that makes men funny - irreverence, irreligion, rebellion, and defiance. we're too soft, too emotional, too serious, too dreamy, and too damn biological to be funny.

(however, if we're fat, dykey or jewish, we've apparently got funny to spare.)

never in my life have i laughed as hard, snorted or accidentally farted than when i'm with my girlfriends telling them the latest B- disaster or listening to what happened at so-and-so's birthday party/wedding, or reading the sharply worded, hilarious emails sent from various scattered family domiciles while we're trapped in hometowns for the holidays. (i remember one string of christmas emails from roomie, A- and J- that had me snorting and blowing wine all over my dad's laptop. 'the baby jesus blows!')

women don't like dirty or crude? hitchens, we could make you guzzle a whole bottle of Hendricks with tales of monstrous blood clots, menstrual disasters, catastrophic sexual encounters, embarassing visits to the doctor, the unfortunate thing that happened at grandma's funeral and the reason why sometimes my friends call me Puddles. there's nothing dirtier or cruder than a bunch of women hopped up on tequila, my friend. nothing. (just ask what a bridal party did to the cowboy troubadour they hired then drunkenly held captive until they finally released him, shaking and traumatized, the following day.)

women can't be funny in the face of death? too bad hitchens wasn't at my roomie's mother's funeral this past summer. the tears were expected; the guffaws halfway through my roomie's speech were a welcome surprise. it takes guts, strength and a finely tuned sensibility to get a whole church full of mourning midwesterners to give up the funny.

his tone wavers between 'admiration' of our inherent biological/moral authority over men and a smarmy castigation of it but what's most clear is that hitchens (and other men who always seem to ask these dumbass questions) has never really eavesdropped on a real conversation between groups of women. or maybe it's because he only knows neurotic white women. (expose yourself to a little diversity and suddenly you have a lot of funny.)

neurotic women aren't funny. confident, self-aware women are funny. women willing to look ridiculous are funny. women willing to point out the ridiculous and the neurotic in others are funny. women who tell the truth are funny. women in touch with their anger are funny. (bitter, but funny.) oh, we're funny, alright. just depends on who's listening to us.


jesus chick said...

i was at the funeral. i believe in fairies.

ding said...

jeebus. you were NOT!

jesus chick said...

yes, my dear. and i saw you from afar but figured it was not a good setting for introductions. far too somber. FAR FAR FAR!!!!!!!!!

ding said...

i mean, really??
no way. get. out.

do i KNOW you?!? (gasp) have i slept in your basement?

ding said...

you're freaking me OUT!
i'm totally almost screaming at my desk at work. holy crap. you're kidding.

jesus chick said...

uh. . . noooo. . . you have not slept in my basement ;)
i had on a black dress with little white polka dots and i was toting the newborn. i think my mother-in-law was holding him by your table. . .

ding said...

at the church.
i vaguely remember that. oh, wow. oh freaking wow.

you have to email me. you've seen me and now i have to know who you are. my roomie probably knows your family! freaking out!!

jesus chick said...

slow your roll girl - it's OK. . . .
i'll explain via email

Orange said...

Hitchens is a twit. Or is it a twat?

ding said...

twat works.
drunk twat works even better.

i have a collection of his early essays and it's really almost painful to compare those to these: it's like they were written by a totally different man.

SiddityintheCity said...

I'm extra late to this party, but! I chime in anyway.

Often I have found men don't like women who are too funny. If you take a bunch of fawning, neurotic, "i will shape this man up" women into your company, and exclude women who make you uncomfortable, who can out-joke you, who you cannot, i short, dominate--OF COURSE you're going to be of the opinion that women aren't funny.