Sunday, July 12, 2009

i blame 'shaun of the dead'

without going into too much graphic detail (ahem) last night was ... revealing.

1. M- is not as vanilla as i thought. i'm always guilty of assuming one thing about a person and then completely surprised when they lift the mask a little and what's underneath bears only a slight resemblance to what i thought i had seen. who'd have thought there were thoughts about voyeurism, bathroom sex, and all manner of naughtiness lurking in that nice guy mind of his?

at some point during the backyard movies double feature (Shaun of the Dead and Creepshow), he leaned over and said, 'you know the only thing that i would say really bugs me about our seeing each other is that we're only having sex about once a week.'

i knew i had been keeping track of how many times we had sex but, for some reason, had no idea he was keeping tabs, too. (see how i assume things?)

'i know we're both busy and your job has been really crazy, and with my work and stuff but, babe, i think we need to make an effort,' he said.

and then started a conversation, in the middle of a stranger's backyard, about how much fooling around time we require. let's just say that an expectation has been mutually set to both parties' satisfaction.

2. it all goes back to our families. while we were in the backyard of my local comic book joint, watching movies projected onto the garage, we sat on hard benches holding hands and talked in low voices about our families. i don't know if i've ever said it here, but watching my parents together (especially during periods of crisis) was a little intense for me. their brand of loyalty and fierce commitment to one another just made me think that i would never have the brass to handle that kind of commitment to another person.

M- is the exact opposite; because of what was missing in his parents' relationshig, the intense partnership that scares me, makes him focused. he wants that loyalty, fierce commitment, intense belonging to another person. it doesn't scare him at all; it is something he really really needs.

3. i'm slowly becoming used to the idea of Being Two. last night, a young woman sat next to me on the bench behind the comic book store. i scooted over, making room for M- when he got back from the bathroom and she and i started to chat about how we knew the different folks there.

when M-returned and sat next to me, she glanced at the two of us and asked, 'and how do the two of you know each other?'

M- took my hand. 'we're dating.'
she smiled. 'oh, that's neat! how did you guys meet?'
i said to M-, 'why don't you tell that story.'

he said, 'we met on Match.' and we went on to tell her about meeting for drinks, hitting it off and taking down our profiles the next day.

M- said, 'i actually had to fight with them to close out my account. i had just signed up and they were giving me a hard time and i kept saying dammit, i met someone, i met my match, let me out of this fucking agreement already. i had to speak to someone's supervisor.'

'that's so sweet,' i said. 'you escalated it!'

'damn straight. i'd escalate anything for you, hon'.' and he kissed my cheek.

the woman looked at us and said, 'that's so cute. how long were you guys single before you met?'

'um, i was extricating myself from a, uh, long-term situation right when i met M-,' i said.

'she had a Friend with Benefits thing going on,' M- said, feeling no compunction against sharing all my business. 'i was out of a relationship for about a year and a half. i'd gone on a couple of dates but when i met Ding, that was it.'

sometimes i don't know how to process hearing him say these things so matter of factly. but it's not like i'm telling him to shut up - so, on some level i must feel the same way. (i just don't say it because i'm a chicken shit.)


Orange said...

Pardon me for a moment here. *dabs eye* Pardon my shift key. I gotta shout.


I'm a big fan of the whole long-term partnership thing. Shared references, someone who's got your back, open communication, etc., etc. Plus company at bedtime. There are definite pluses.

Songbird said...

I love this stuff. I love that he can talk about it.

liza said...

Wow. I'm impressed that you guys have had these conversations so soon. It took us forever to get to that point. Verbal in the best way. He *is* full of WIN!

Joy said...

Obviously, the honesty, communication, open declarations of affection, etc are the key points of this story, but I've got to say that my favorite part is the fact he insisted upon speaking with a supervisor to get out of his Match contract early. "I've met my match, let me out!" That cracked me up.

ding said...

Let's give credit to whom credit is due: *he's* the one being open. i'm still Clammy the ClamShell - thinking about things, making mental notes and postponing saying stuff until it just all bursts out in an inappropriate way.

or, writing it here.

sigh. i have some baby steps to take.

but he is making it easier.

and have i mentioned that i let my hair revert to its naturally BIG curly state this week and he was completely unfazed by it? another WIN.

now he wants to stock up on my skin and hair care needs so i'll feel more comfortable spending the night at his place.

Joy said...

jesus, he's like the platonic ideal of WIN. seriously, at least the version of him you describe here is almost unreal in his WINness. Do not let him go!

Oh, and it would be sweet of you to stock up on any skin/hair/shaving cream/whatever that he likes for his convenience at your place.

By the way, and ignore me if I'm out of line, seeing as we don't know each other and all, but does he know you blog? And does he know he's featured on your blog? And would he be cool with it?

Orange said...

He should be cool with being featured on the blog. Ding's confession: "I write about you for my friends in the computer and they all rave about your awesomeness and wish us well." But it's also none of his business, necessarily.

ding said...

He knows I blog; he knows I mention him but he's never asked for my blog address. (Which he could easily find, since we're both on Facebook and the last note I wrote was about meeting and liking him.)

I have been going through some internal wrangling about his privacy and maintaining it as much as possbile while also staying true to my own writing ethos here.

I'm finding that when feelings are involved (i.e., you actually care about the feelings of the person you're writing about,) the more discretion one uses.

So expect that I'm not going to write about *everything* and if this gets any more serious (like, let's say we accidentally, hypothetically, made a baby Sunday morning and I have some decisions to make) I think there will probably be some lines drawn, which I haven't identified, yet.


We're not there, yet. So more M- stories for everyone! Yay!

(And I will be assiduously checking to see if, indeed, there had been some accidental fertilization happening on Sunday morning.)

ding said...

oh, and re: his Platonic ideal of WINness - there are definite areas of growth, one might say.

but, for now, i'll bask in the glow that is Ding in a New Relationship That Isn't Dysfunctional As All Get-Out.

Joy said...

That's a lovely way to put it...growth. Bask away.