Wednesday, July 01, 2009

doom

i couldn't sleep last night.
at M-'s place, i tossed and turned, waking up at 2, then 3, then 4 and finally 5 am. i dressed, got my bag together and sat back on the bed waiting for M- to turn over. he walked me downstairs and gave me a big hug, saying, 'things will be ok today. they'll be ok.'

i think i mumbled 'i know' or something inadequate and walked to the bus that would take me to the train that would take me home.

i'm at work now and everyone is silent. no chit chat. no 'what did you do last night?' just silence.

i hope i get my pink slip by noon so i can go home and cry in private. then sleep.

i've decided that i'm done with being a do-gooder. i now want to work for the most evil corporate entity i can find in the region, make an obscene amount of money and not look back. really. i'm done.

suggestions welcome.

11 comments:

liza said...

I'm sorry, this sucks. Don't let it take over your heart. Even the best job is still, in the end, just a job. This is what me and my best chums here at my little school say when things seem like they're going to make us cry, or after they already did: J.O.B.
Lots of love and support for you.

Also, go work for evil ie: the man. (we're all in bed with the man, one way or another) And then give your money to good. And work on your own time for good. Do it for love, not money and then doing good won't break your heart.

There's a bit of a poem I wanted to give you, but I suck at memorization and the books in my office. *great*

Ah well. You can be like Cheech: makes the worst (racist) movies, but then turns around and gives TONS of money and support to Chicana/o art.

liza said...

Found it. It's by Hans Sahl, a poem called "Sprich" quoted inside another poem by Lorna Dee Cervantes ("Coffee")

Anyway, here are the stanzas I was trying to remember (those aren't the right line breaks, that's blogger):

Not to lost causes present your heart.
Nor love those who cast you from their midst.
Forget dark visions your dreams impart.
Forget the hand that pushed you into emptiness.

Let not phantom sounds tear you apart
That yesterday's world brings to your ear.
Not to lost causes present your heart.
Guard yourself until your hour's here.

ding said...

that's totally beautiful.
and sensible, too.

No Nonsense said...

Rock on Liza that was good!

Oh Ding, cry a good cry then reflect and plan your next phase in life.

Hey you are good writer, maybe you can make $$$ or $$ well maybe just $ writing articles about something in your field. ( just a thought)

ding said...

know what i'm not good at?
making money from what i do.

Joy said...

I'm so sorry. And I don't even have good poetry to offer for comfort. Just sympathy and virtual hugs from a person who lives in your computer. Good luck. M is right, it *will* be ok.

Songbird said...

Thinking of you today.

SiddityintheCity said...

I hope you did not get the news you feared. :(

Dan said...

There is so much more to you than your job description. I know that sounds like a graduation speech cliche but sometimes those silly little sayings really are true. You earned a living by working for an organization which does incredibly important things for vulnerable people in need. There's no way it could not be difficult to leave that behind under any conditions.

I'm not saying that getting laid off doesn't suck but (tough love alert) you need to unload these thoughts of doom. And no, you're not done being a do-gooder.

Find yourself some gainful employment but remember that it doesn't have to be anything more than that: a paycheck. There's so much good you can do regardless of how you earn that paycheck. Sure, it's great spending the bulk of your time working on something you care about, but there's no shame in earning a living doing something you merely tolerate. Hey, everybody's doin' it!

Save all you can and invest it wisely so you only need to be concerned about money rather than out-and-out worried. Donate as much as you can to causes you believe in - particularly the ones which have become too dependant on gov't funding which can blow away with the political winds.

Write about the things you care about and encourage others to support your causes. Write to elected officials and newspaper editors to make it more likely that your issues are being addressed.

Donate your time: read a book to kids who can't (yet) or to a wounded veteran who can't turn pages on his own.

Call your dad.

And let him be the reminder that there are plenty of people who care about you in this world.

Trope said...

*hugs* Ding.

When you find the super-rich corporate job, hire me. I'm just about done with do-gooding myself this week. Budget mess is driving all of us pretty crazy.

ding said...

My news was delayed until today. I still haven't heard anything but at least we're closing the office early because of the 4th of July holiday.

(yay, patriotism has a use.)

Dan, thank you for the kind, sensible words. I'm fully prepared to go back to the life I had - being someone's cracker jack exec ass't, which was tolerable - but it is hard letting go of the idea of working in a place where all your sweet spots were hit: smart people, funny bright women in charge of everything, good work and the kind of independence and independent thinking that can't be found in every workplace.

the things that worked for me here - my education, my attitude, my Ding-ness - is the stuff that doesn't work very well in a traditional workplace - unless i luck out and find a place that *really* values that kind of thing.

but i'll make it. with all y'all's support how can i miss?