Monday, July 14, 2008

more on clarity

By this time, all 8 of my readers should know that I read the Vows column in the Times every Monday. It's a 'thing' with me. I can't help it. I read them for the romance, for the little stories of love found, lost, delayed, diverted, grabbed, pursued, stalked, and finally landed, culminating in a gorgeous ceremony full of wine, friends and cake.

Reading these stories of love and marriage, I feel like I'm walking past the shop windows on Michigan Ave, catching a glimpse of something gorgeous and totally out of my reach, like a Cartier watch or a Chanel shoe.

If my therapist was sitting in front of me right now, she'd press me. She would ask me if I was aware that there's a gap between what I say I want ('The cheese stands alone!') and what my inner whisperings clearly indicate I want ('The cheese could use some company.') I am aware of this gap - I am even aware of a few reasons why this gap exists. I just don't know quite how to traverse it.

Oh, there's a map of sorts in front of me: continue the forward motion that was retarded when my mother died 7 years ago (an event that was like a flaming meteorite falling from the sky into my life); put down roots (i.e., stop living with a roommate); and explore the possibility that my life might have a very different trajectory than the one I thought it would have.

But knowing the general plan of action and then thinking about the mountain of details that plan will require is daunting. I have clarity but not enough.

Vows - Annette Berry and Dan Miller -


bitchphd said...

FWIW, last night I decided that no one should get married.

This isn't helping you at all, is it?

No Nonsense said...

Who doesn't smile at a little romance?

And "Cheese" goes very well with company, thank you very much for that glass of wine

Orange said...

Pairs of cheese can be terrific, though. Someone who's got your back, someone to amuse you and laugh at your jokes—I'm a fan of the marital relationship, personally.

ding said...

@ Bitch: i waffle so much on the marrying thing, others' ambivalence bounces off me like a hard pebble. my mom was ambivalent about marriage. my dad, though, thought it was great. (but he's having a heck of a time now.) see? waffle.

@No Nonsense: if only i could be guaranteed that marriage could, indeed, be like a wine/cheese party.

@Orange: that's right. rub it in.