Friday, December 21, 2007

toward the end of our last session, Dr. C- said, 'in order to address what triggers your resistance to intimacy we need to see you in a relationship. so you need to start dating.'


she recommended i go back online since the normal places people date each other (work, social circle, church, extra curricular activities) are, for me, completely estrogen-filled. but this was her caveat: 'you must be honest about what it is you want and try to avoid men who just want to fool around. you said you wanted companionship, so look for qualities that would make for a good companion.'

i complained, 'that means i won't get laid until well into 2008!'
she sighed. 'ding, if all you want to do is get laid, go out and get laid. but you said you don't want to do that.'
'i know.'
'that's why we're pretending B- has moved.'
'i know. you're right. companion. ok.'

so where am i going to find this companion?
i can forget about nerve; the only folks on there are erectile dysfunctional one night stands. i've done that, already, thank you very much. match was horrific; eharmony sent me youth pastors from lombard and sad, divorced dads living on the illinois-wisconsin border. where can i go next?

chemistry. i think it's supposed to be eharmony-lite. no 29 dimensions, but still a really long personality test (i'm a Director/Negotiator, heavy on the Director bit) and incremental communication steps. the good thing is that they send you matches right away; none of eharmony's esteem-killing, months-long waiting to see a profile. but, again, my honest needs are resulting in suburban divorced dads. i don't know what it is going on. is my inner self suburban? is there a Willow Creek, twin set housewife inside me, just waiting to wander out?

i shudder to think.

anyway, i'll keep all 5 of my readers posted.
on the B- front, i've been fairly successful in pretending he lives in another state. at this time of year, i'd usually be planning how i could convince him to spend a long weekend with me in my neighborhood. (such planning would meet with staunch resistance and i'd spend christmas seething silently about why he won't cross town on a bus to see me.) this year, i'm completely uninterested. i mailed him one very impersonal christmas card and, yesterday, when he dared to bait me by saying 'maybe if you got in shape you wouldn't need therapy' and you could think clearly' i politely ignored his rudeness and just said back to him 'i guess we all get in shape in different ways. my therapist is helping me see things a LOT more clearly, thanks.'

yes, i could have called him an asshat, but what would that accomplish?


bitchphd said...

"'maybe if you got in shape you wouldn't need therapy' and you could think clearly'"


Don't pretend this man has moved. Pretend this man has died. Gruesomely.

I think you should just start walking up to guys you know and saying, "my therapist thinks I need to be in a relationship. Interested?"

Orange said...

You could do worse than follow Bitch's advice. (Both parts of it.)

ding said...

i could sit on a corner with a cardboard sign on my chest: Will Date for Food.

bitchphd said...

I know! Write a post for Bitch saying that you live in Chicago and need some dates. I bet plenty of people will volunteer to date you and/or set you up.

Speaking of which, Orange, why are you slacking on this? Surely you gotta know some single guys.

wade said...

thats hot! but raise the bar. "Will date for diamonds" or "Will date for respect" or something like that.

Happy Christmas Ding!! Miss you much way out here.

liza said...

Yeah, I'm with Bitch--pretend this dude has died gruesomely. I can't even tell you how deeply deeply appalling and mean-spirited that is.

As for the suburbanity of the dads out there that you're getting matched to, there's all kinds of reasons otherwise urban types end up in suburbia--mostly to do with being able to afford a house I suspect (she says, all self-defensively). Especially if they have kid(s). Maybe it means they're boring, but maybe, just maybe not?

Happy Crimble and New Year!

Katrina said...

Dating - what a mind-numbing pain in the ass that can be.

I mean, UNLESS all your hoping to do is to get fed, get drunk and get laid (more or less, whatever order takes your fancy) it can be very hit and miss, and more often miss than hit.

I'm totally with your therapist on this one. I don't know what kind of dating-type websites are available in your area (I'm in NZ, different world all togeter), but it's truly worth spending the time online to be able to weed out the completely hopeless ones without having to actually go through all the hassle of meeting them in person.

Online, you get to abandon lots of the social mores and polite rules that can make things awkward and unrewarding and get right to the important stuff comparatively quickly. Like companionship, and whether or not they appreciate your big ideas.

ding said...

thanks, katrina. your sum up is bang on.
dating is like going to a jumble sale and never finding exactly what you like, but hope springs eternal and so you stay there for hours, still rummaging.

while i like the online world, it is awfully easy to slip into brittle mode; the slight missteps you'd never notice in person suddenly take on gargantuan proportions: misspellings, bad grammar, awkward phrasings, less than sparkling wit. like a queen, we can banish a jester with a click of Delete.
but it makes it makes it easier to see who you're more likely to have some kind of chemistry with, too.

ugh, dating.

SiddityintheCity said...

I can't remember if you've tried this or not, but is...well, there. And you do answer a bunch of personality-gauging questions they use to match you up. I've even heard tell of people finding their spouses on there.

Good luck!

ding said...

and if it's there, then i'll probably make my way over to it.