Friday, October 15, 2010

the road less traveled: iowa

Yesterday, I sent a message to my office: 'Delia will be on the road tomorrow to Iowa for a barn wedding. See you all on Monday!'

In other offices, my message would get some kind of snarky response: 'say hi to the corn for me!' or something like that.

This new office? Suddenly it's all 'Ooh! How fabulous! Bring back pics from the sustainable farm tour!'

So that's different.
When I think about how M- and I divide the labor of our relationship I think of two captains jockeying to steer a ship. He's used to steering his ship and I'm used to steering mine; together, we're in the wheelhouse, scuffling for control.

Like my dad, M- is convinced his way is always right. And, sometimes he's right. Except when it comes to wedding planning - even if it's a friend's wedding.

When it comes to that, I think of details that he hasn't: are there enough rooms in the hotel block? Are we really guaranteed a room (for some reason he thought we were but had never confirmed that)? What's the deadline for hotel reservations? What time is check in? What's their late check in policy? And what time is the wedding on Saturday? What are the events that we're invited to and not? (This is really important!)

I bet he's had one question in his head: am I going to be able to set up my DJ equipment on time and will the gig go well?

Once, I tried to ask these questions and he said, 'Don't worry about these things, baby. Everything will work out.'

And it's infuriating to hear because I instantly flash back to my mom and dad, standing in a restaurant lobby being told they can't be seated because Dad didn't make a reservation and my mom is humiliated and angry. All he had to do was think about How Things Are Done and make the damn reservation.  But no. He thought his manly brain exluded him from certain rules and expectations. And so we go back to the car, drive to Carl's Jr. and eat our burgers in silence.

So, I waited for everything to work out. And I was right. We weren't guaranteed a room, the main hotel was full and now we had to look for a room at a frakking Super 8 Motel. So I quickly made the reservations, paid for it and sent him the confirmation.

No 'told you so's'. No blame.

But goddammit. Next time, frak being nice and doing the 'managing up' crap. I'm just going to go ahead and make the plans because dudes may be able to move carriers around the globe but can't interpret a frakking wedding invitation correctly. I understand my role this weekend is to be the Pretty Girlfriend. I get that. I'm so brain dead, that's fine. But I really hate it when dudes ignore what I'm saying.

This mouth isn't just for giving blow jobs.


Orange said...

Of course, knowing how things are done and what things need doing is Women's Work.

Tameshia said...

I don't understand (some) men's inability to understand logistics. I could get deep and say it's privilege - men are just used to shit.coming.together. like magic for them. But, I'm going to keep it shallow and just say they are clueless.

And the last line? Priceless. *dead*

Anonymous said...

Oh, yeah, I would definitely have to agree with Orange. This is why men will NEVER read women literature and don't expect them to.. I think, you're learning to appreciate the differences.

Joy said...

Tameshia, go ahead and get deep, because it is indeed privilege. Scheduling is work. Realizing and remembering that the scheduling needs to get done is work. Not even bothering to even think about that work is privilege.

By the way, enjoy the barn wedding. I suspect (having held the reception of my own wedding on a midwestern farm) that it's going to be a lot more beautiful and un-muddy than you were expecting. I would love stories when you get back!

Anonymous said...

I find it totally weird how my sweetheart and I go back and forth in assuming the "common sense" role. Honestly, I think typically I'm you and he is your partner. But sometimes we switch.

But when I'm not around (LDR), he gets so much done. Sometimes he really surprises me. When we are together, my brain wants to explode when he does not do "THE OBVIOIUS" things that need doing. I will just keep chalking it up to him being too excited to see me to think straight ;)