Monday, September 13, 2010

The Gradual Fall of an Independent Woman

Satuday night, randomly, Moving In Together popped up again. I like having my own space and doing my own thing (and being in control of my own finances) so I don't take moving in together lightly. We were at a local bar with a friend when I very very casually mentioned it.

'But I'd need a few things first,' I said. 'I want to be in a safe neighborhood, I don't want to be sooo far from my friends and there need to be things in the neighborhood to do.'

'Ok,' M- said. 'I want a few things: parking, enough room for us and our stuff, and a safe neighborhood for you so I don't worry about you.'

'Aww. Ok, one more thing. A cleaning lady. This is non-negotiable. I'd want a cleaning lady.'

He gave me a look that I took to mean 'Ok, my girlfriend is a snooty bitch' and I said, 'I've had one before and she'd only need to come once a month for a maintenance clean, so things don't get out of control. And it's not that expensive.' I named a price.

'Holy shit. That's it?? We should have her every week!'

So, sold on the cleaning lady.

When we were brushing our teeth, more 'must-haves' popped up.

'Babe, I need more towels. If we move in together, I want enough towels so we only use them once a day,' he said.

'Uh, that's a lot of laundry.' I imagined becoming a slave to laundry like my mother and sister. 'Ok, then I'd need an apt with an in-unit washer/dryer.'

In bed, before drowsing off, he said, 'We can move in together whenever you're ready. You like doing your own thing so if you want to keep your apartment a while longer, that's cool.'

'You're ok with the way things are going?'

'Yes. I love spending time with you whenever I can. I love you. So when you're ready, we'll do it.'  He flopped over. 'The only thing I hate is your mattress. When we move in together the first thing we're doing is getting a new bed.'

I kept my love for my mattress to myself. Choosing battles is important.

Our relationship has lasted a little over 18 months and I'm still waiting for this man to turn into a psycho and he hasn't. I might have to finally put my trust and intimacy crap to bed and embrace that M- is a normal, loving guy who only wants to be happy with me and for me.


Orange said...

You can't beat Lands' End for great towels. I'm addicted to the giant bath sheets (which don't get washed until they need it, because they're huge). You can even have them mail you swatches so you can see the actual colors (and feel the softness).

Good luck finding a neighborhood/building with both parking and easy public transit. And laundry? Add central air and a dishwasher and you're looking for the holy grail. :-) Is Andersonville close enough to your friends?

No Nonsense said...

Try the "cloud" temperpedic mattress. It's fabulous for women with curves and if one of you experiences a restless night you won't wake the other, like those spring mattress do.

Good Luck :-)

Martha said...

I love all this, especially remembering when you first met.

liza said...

I'm so with you on the towels. I cannot stand using a towel more than once, especially if it's on my face. (on the hands, it better be dry). Lots of small towels help with that. Seriously. A clean towel can be the difference between happy and hideous. I was always like this, even when we had to drag our stuff to the laundromat down the block with no car.

The towel thing and the cleaning lady thing both speak to the same thing: the desire, nay the need for clean stuff without feeling like a drudge. And living with a dude who needs convincing of these things means you will want it, so you will do it first and you will be pissed off about it. At least, that's what happens if you're not intentional about it from the get-go. So we bought lots of towels and both went to the laundromat together once a week. After some fuss.

Yay for happiness!

Joy said...

so wonderful! I was hoping that one of the pals who live in my computer had posted something happy so I could trudge off to the next task on a little upswing, and you've given me a huge upswing. I love hearing about the way you guys communicate so intentionally, the way you're honest and forthright about your needs, and the way you both want to be happy as individuals and as a couple.

-k- said...


Delia Christina said...

@Orange - yeah, i may have to compromise on the in unit laundry. but the rest could happen, right? we have decided that the area between his hood (Irving/Elston) and mine (Ukrainian Village) is our playground.

@Eliza - really?? you're just like M-! i use a towel more than once. am i an outlier??

Delia Christina said...

@NoNonsense - thanks for the tip; i think my curves are making a dent in the bed that makes the slim M- roll toward the middle. hmph. and here i thought he just wanted to sleep closer to me.

Delia Christina said...

@Martha and Joy - I'm so glad to have a record of my relationship growth!

From janky B- to where I am now. Whoo!

You know, I think the best advice my therapist gave me was to always be present. It's something I try to remind myself of so I don't become passive, lazily resting of my assumptions.

If I could email my therapist, I would. Thanks, Dr. C-!

Joy said...

Happy birthday!