Last night I embarked on my Road to Intimacy with my life coach (a concept that fills my father with derision.) Lately I’ve realized that if I don’t want to end up weird and alone, I better start getting close to someone who is willing to open a can of soup for me when I’m 80. (And isn’t wearing a nurse’s uniform.) Unfortunately, that can’t happen if, whenever someone says “Hey, I like you a lot” I get the shakes and change the subject and/or stare at them blankly until an uncomfortable silence spreads like an oil slick over white linoleum.

Looking like someone’s Scandinavian aunt, the Coach asked "So what makes you think you have problems with intimacy?"

I thought for a bit. “It. Freaks. Me. Out. I shut down. I cannot share, I don’t want to share, it means you’re needy. I don’t know how to do it. People keep talking about it and I have no freaking idea what they mean. Freaks. Me. Out.”

And it went downhill from there with me becoming a bit more incoherent – at one point even saying that being in a relationship is like being laid off. “You are in control of nothing. Someone else evaluates you and then you’re fired! But you don’t know what’s in your file! How do you know what’s going on??” I said.

Coach Carolyn smiled. “Have you tried talking to the person you’re with?”

Lady, if things were that simple, then I wouldn’t be having this issue. “No way! What if they say something I don’t want to hear? Like, you’re fired!” So clearly I have communication issues, too.

So she switched tactics and asked “What are you looking for? What is the context for this intimacy?”

I thought about it. “Well, I want something more than mere entertainment….and something less serious than marriage.”

Then she laughed until tears came into her eyes and put a * next to my comment in her notes.

What’s so funny? I’m totally serious.