Tuesday, May 31, 2005

things have been lackluster here, haven't they?
i'm sorry; i've been spending all my time with the goody two shoes over at church gal.

it seems when you turn into a do-gooder, things get a little boring. i'll try and sex it up later.

must read this

'Vindication' - New York Times

wollstonecraft has always been a major figure for me.

' they made up their own rat pack song!'

did you know there's a mormon version of the movie pride and prejudice?


neither did we when we started to watch it.

(20 minutes into it, after the crucial party scene, i say to my roommate, 'um, i think this is a church movie.' she says, 'no way.'
later, after the heroine chastely rebuffs the rake, i say, 'i bet this was made by the church of latter day saints.' check it out. as movies made for religoius audiences go, it's not...that...bad.)

Monday, May 30, 2005

happy memorial day: 'what i heard about iraq'

between the barbecues, the war movies and the parades, let's think a little bit about where we are now. when this national moment has its own place in some memorial day montage in the future, let's remember what we heard.

LRB | Eliot Weinberger : What I Heard about Iraq

Saturday, May 28, 2005

The Well-Timed Period: EC: Just Ask For It

The Well-Timed Period: EC: Just Ask For It

a smart woman is a woman who's well-prepared. at your next pelvic ask for a script for EC. i will. (whoo hoo! july.)
week #3 at national non-profit is over and that last day sort of tried my last nerve.

the plan was rather simple. our office closed early but then my department decided, 'hey, let them leave even earlier!' yay, so happy were we. so i took a meeting at our annual meeting site, walked down wacker drive and helped two business men find the hyatt regency, bought a coffee at starpricks and then began to edit a document and clean out my inbox. i was going to be outta there by 1.30 and on my way to see B-. (more on that later.)

then our annual meeting awards arrived. i had to unwrap and check each one and, of course, found three that had come completely apart. two hours unwrapping, wrapping, checking, fed exing, complaining to awards guy. sweating. my white cotton ramie coolness that B- was to later unwrap and defile was soon grunty dusty papercut and funky.

(jesus. on the annoying music show, they're singing about anthropology and the classification of the 'races of man.' they just said negroid.)

speaking of B- the afternoon tryst was a little lackluster. not on his part. on mine. i wasn't present at all. sort of discouraged. he and i have nothing to talk about. i thought that was an impossibility, but it's sort of true. after dozing on the train ride up north (while an old black man stared at me the whole time) i arrived at B-'s, spilling half a bottle of water all over myself crashing through the front door. we sat on the couch.

i said, so how are things?
he said, i don't want to talk about work.
i said, ok. what about the B- that isn't work? how are you?
he said, i really don't have much time other than work. it was a really tough semester. i really don't like talking about work. i mean, if you were really interested in my work, i guess.
i said, i am interested in your work. why wouldn't i be?

so he shrugged and vented for a good while about his department and review last week. i didn't mind this at all. i like watching men talk about their work, especially if they enjoy it. and he does. he's good at what he does. he's smart and tough. i like that.

so we talked about other things. sort of. it wasn't real conversation. just interjections, non sequitors. my dad may be moving to chicago, i just started a student newspaper, i love my new job, i have to teach over the summer. one thing, though. when i told him how i'd been afraid about this choice i'd made about my life, my new job, he said, really? i don't think of you as being much afraid of anything.

this misreading is the heart of our problem. we don't know each other at all, despite knowing each other for about three years. (there are those who know how afraid i am; there's one man i've never met who knows me much better than B- does me. he knows how i fear failure, intimacy, commitment, change, the ocean; others know how i fear acid thrown in my face, blindness, prison and leprosy.) i could assume the blame for our gulf, but i don't want to carry it all on my own.

anyway, the rest of of the evening sagged. my mind was racing to other places far from that gray lit dusky apartment; he was valiant in the effort to bring me satisfaction but when i couldn't i just became generous in my willingness to make the rest 'about him.' the only time i caught a glimpse of the inner B- was when i was stretched out on the floor of his living room, watching him pick obscure chicano rock albums from his time in san antonio, listening to him sing offkey to question mark & the mysterians.

it was the most naked i had seen him and when he lifted the needle from the last record and began to kiss my neck i was sorry it had to end.
just in case you needed to know when my unseemly attraction to bearded men wielding hammers began: Screed: why colonial house rocks

oh, why can't a cute unemployed carpenter live across the street from me?? (he's read guns, germs & steel!)

dork love

lordy. i found my old Colonial House object of obssession.


(hm...i never noticed how much he looks like the librarian.)

Thursday, May 26, 2005

ok. last one before going to bed.

so you're a brown woman looking for a kick ass job in corporate america.
where do you look?

maybe here.

like feministing, i gotta wonder where the worst companies are...

war: apparently, there's a lot of down time

whose military is this??

[via dc media girl]
so i changed some things on the sidebar to reflect how i do my blog reading every day. it's a mixture of friends, political sites, riotous women, very serious men who think very DEEP thoughts, and then there's fluff.
this friday our office closes early and i think i'm going to meet B- when he's finished teaching. think? i know i'll meet him. we circle each other like pigeons pecking at a crumb. after i eat the crumb, like persephone, i say, 'ok, that was one for the road. never again.' but then a month passes and...'hey, wanna grab a glass of wine?' funny. he doesn't even have a bottle opener.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

yay, i guess.

Justice Choice Could Rekindle Filibuster Fight in the Senate - New York Times

hey, let's congratulate ourselves for pulling back from the brink of 'nucular' disaster. hey, good for us and our moderation. let's hear it for compromise. yay for us...


you do know, don't you, those three wacko judges are gonna be confirmed.

yeah. good job.
if anyone can find my churchgal blog, that would be great.
it seems to have run away from blogger...

Monday, May 23, 2005

this is ding's house.

maybe this is why i left grad school. i wasn't balanced enough. when i did my research, i was dedicated to what would prove my point. things that disturbed my point were either absorbed or...my point was changed to reflect these new findings. this, however, was rare. i was disinterested in finding whether or not something was 'true.' it was all a game, really. it was whether or not i could make the argument stand. point-counter point. your counter point beats mine? (shrug) i just find another point. so, to all those out there who want fair and balanced from ME, you're shit outta luck. i'm just as flawed and biased as the next person. (note to roomie: hey - i didn't erase your comment!)

today was a hard day. right under deadline, i finished writing my first non-profit sanctioned proposal! yay! it was fun! i love my job. i know i'll get tired of saying it, but for now, i am loving where i am. i've NEVER felt that before. yes, there are things i wish for, like a free pantry with a fridge full of soft drinks and a cupboard full of snacks you can order from pea pod. but when you're asking for pocket change to fund a program against sexual violence and abuse, i guess i can suck it up and bring my own effing soda.
i'm pretty sure this is wrong.

i'm hot.

no. literally. i'm hot. don't know if there's a thunderstorm entering the area but it's muggy and i'm sitting in the buff in front of my laptop at my bedroom window. (no one can see me from the street.)

gorgeous weekend in chicago. police officers tasered a belligerent baseball fan (those cubbies), a mother got her kidnapped baby back, a teenager was lost in the lake and never recovered, and oprah did a show on why women are most likely wearing the wrong size bra. (more on this later.)

saw star wars: RotS. or, Why George Lucas Can't Write Motivations for Shit. yes, it was 'better' than the others, but some quibbles:
  1. so...it's ok for padme to be pregnant and shacking up with her jedi boyfriend (secret husband), but not not ok to be pregnant AND a senator?
  2. despite it being 'the future', no one can figure out she's carrying twins?
  3. despite it being 'the future' no one can figure out how to stop a woman from dying in childbirth?
  4. and why, if he's all a jedi stickler, can't mace windu just wait to bring the chancellor to trial? why fly off the handle?? heat of battle? didn't search his feelings enough? huh?
  5. and isn't it really clear that the jedi aren't really all that smart? i mean, come on - who ELSE could have slaughtered younglings in the temple? maybe if there was a little less meditating and a little more investigating, this whole thing could have been avoided? shouldn't you have an intelligence network, at least?
  6. wouldn't anakin have been better off if everyone stopped telling him to 'search his feelings'? seems like it was his 'feelings' (i feel you're going to die, i feel like you don't trust me, i feel stupid) that got him in trouble. how about telling him to use his brain?
  7. how come, despite it being 'the future', everyone dresses like crap? no one is hot in the future.
  8. and who are the sith? a people, an ideology, a club? do i care anymore?
  9. AND, if R2D2 can do all this cool stuff, how come it didn't do it later? it forgot??

back to oprah and why she cares about my breasts. i have been wearing the wrong size bra. did you know that, in a correct bra, the apex of your breast is supposed to be the midway point between your shoulder and your elbow? new to me. i hate my bra. i can't wait to take it off when i get home. well, i may have found something to replace my bra. this. in fact, i love the whole spanx line. i wear their fishnets and they rock. they hold everything in, smoothes your lumps - who doesn't like that? it's not necessarily sexy, but then again, i'm not dressing to get it on in the office.

this is middle age, isn't it? when you start wondering about comfortable shoes and wearing support underwear.

Friday, May 20, 2005

because we argue about policy too late at night: tort reform

if you look for 'health care' and then click on 'search' you'll come to a page with quotes from the administration about policy. (my roomie was telling me why she's in favor of tort reform and why the dems are hurting regular people for being against it. love my roomie deeply, but i totally disagreed. and was too tired to debate.)

if you scroll down to the 9/4/2003 quote, click on the reference for the CBO report.

the money quote:

"The percentage effect of H.R. 4600 on overall health insurance premiums would be far smaller than the percentage impact on medical malpractice insurance premiums. Malpractice costs account for a very small fraction of total health care spending; even a very large reduction in malpractice costs would have a relatively small effect on total health plan premiums. In addition, some of the savings leading to lower medical malpractice premiums--those savings arising from changes in the treatment of collateral-source benefits--would represent a shift in costs from medical malpractice insurance to health insurance. Because providers of collateral-source benefits would be prevented from recovering their costs arising from the malpractice injury, some of the costs that would be borne by malpractice insurance under current law would instead be borne by the providers of collateral-source benefits. Most such providers are health insurers." [emphasis mine]

so. are outrageous malpractice suits damaging the country and ruining ordinary people and small businesses? i don't think so. neither does the congressional budget office.

love you!

Thursday, May 19, 2005


so, i'm blowing off B- tonight to watch the CSI finale. it looks more exciting than an awkward glass of wine on the northside.

and then i'm going to wash my hair.

uh, and the deadline for the grant i'm supposed to be writing is coming up and i gotta work on that, too. dude.
some things caught my eye while i hurriedly read the news late wednesday afternoon (i'm not blogging or anything at work because that'll just suck me into a hole of inactivity.)

1. wow. god really does protect idiots. (come on, you know you were thinking the same thing...)

2. maybe i'll include this on my list of science reading for the summer. but a question: in this entire article, isn't there some implicit understanding of the orgasm as a fundamental heterosexual function? i mean, what about masturbation? or even lesbian action?

3. a thought: i don't want to frolic with B-- when i meet him for a drink. yes, he was incredible the last time we were together but now...i'd really like my sex to actually mean something important. i was telling my ex-roomie this while we crossed the river this morning and a man walking behind us guffawed. but i'm serious. i want sex to actually start meaning more than just a way for me to burn calories and get my hair all messed up.

4. another thought: i need a really hot black shoe to wear with an office dress. one what won't make me walk funny or slow or slip off while crossing the street or get stuck in a grate or pinch my toes or hurt my knees or inflame my sciatica. any suggestions?

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

eats, shoots and leaves

i love steve gilliard's blog. really. i do. but this pisses me off:

"Wal Mart comes from a culture where there is no accountability for the rich. And it's corporate practices, largely taking place in rural America, were not under any real scrutiny. But as the company grows, the management hasn't grown into it's responsibilities to match it's size."

say it with me, people: pronominal possessive!! aargh! ITS!!

Monday, May 16, 2005

in the week that i've been re-immersed in work i think the world has gone insane.

sanctified FDA administrators sodomizing their wives against their will; holy books flushed down phantom toilets; anti-gay activists advocating man on mule action; school boards redefining science until it resembles...religion.

you leave the room for a little while and all hell breaks loose. what the hell?
when you look at the world have you ever just wanted a huge flaming comet to hurtle straight toward us and put us out of our obvious misery?
in other news, i am the current object of fantasy for sub-dom play. i'm having trouble seeing that.

i'm catching up all at once so shut up: Emergency Contraception

need EC? go here.
and once i have the time to figure out the button thing (why don't i know computer whiz people who live down the block from me?) then i'll add it.

[thanks, bitch.]

a day without mexicans...

Mexico's Fox Defends Comment on Blacks - Yahoo! News

yikes. hm. did fox mean to imply that blacks are the natural workers for menial jobs? did he mean to refer to an american working class that has seen a shift in labor from black to brown? (for instance, the fact my father used to be a bus boy in ihop back in the 60s and now most of those we see in those types of jobs are latino)? did he mean to racialize the hiring practices of most of the american service industry when the reality is a confluence of economics and exploitation?

who knows? all we heard him say was something bad about black people.


great. the only real thing i read regularly from the times and they're making it part of their special package. will i really miss david brooks and his asinine view of an america that doesn't exist? will i miss MoDo and her weird pseudo-sociopolitical cocktail chatter?

guess i'll have to start pilfering the print edition.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

the glow still hasn't dissipated (or is that with two p's?). work at Large NonProfit is totally fun and i've already been given a couple of grants to write. terror? yes. excitement? yes. this is exactly why i did what i did.

of course, check in with me in a couple of months, or even next week, and maybe i'll have a different story. (changing my story has been known to happen...)

blogging will pick up over the weekend when i have a chance to catch up.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

prom season

uh. not for the faint-hearted.

i should go to bed now because, clearly, i've just entered some bizarro universe of wickedly bad taste.

[thanks to siditty]

Siddity In The City

i've found a new blog and i like it like it like it: Siddity In The City.

a sample:
We come in different colors, heights and bone structures, people. A slight, thin-boned, narrow hipped woman looks like she should be skinny, so when she is, it doesn't usually look awkward. But a super-skinny woman who has solid bones and broad hips just looks like she starves herself, and her too-skinny-to-ever-meet thighs look like the warped, dried-out swinging doors of a ghost-town saloon when she walks down the street.

that made me snort. read her! now!

the best decision

the first day of social good-doing is over. and it was so GREAT!

who cares that the office is a little tiny? who cares that there are no supplies? who cares that this one office creates more paper than a small nation?? one small grant project is on the horizon and other projects are on my desk. i'm so thrilled.

of course this giddiness will fade as i go further, but for now it's perfect. perfect.
in other news, it was really hot today. and sticky. wrong time to have a 'fro.

Monday, May 09, 2005

no mothers day here

Ms. Magazine | "Not Women Anymore": The Congo's rape survivors face pain, shame and AIDS

the article is brutal. and shaming.

resources from the bottom of the page:

Anglo American, Banro and First Quantum are among approximately 20 multinational mining companies working in the DRC; they might be pressured to focus some attention on the crisis endured by Congo women.

The Panzi Hospital is run by PMU Interlife, the Swedish Pentecostal Mission, the sole funder for the hospital; they promise to channel all specified donations directly to Panzi: Box 4093
SE-141 04
Huddinge, Sweden
e-mail info@spm.nu

Letters to urge more funding for the U.N. mission and to express outrage at the involvement of U.N. peacekeepers in furthering the abuse of Congo women should go to:
U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan
United Nations
First Ave at 46th St.,
New York, NY 10017

[via blackfeminism.org]

aesthetics, darling

i'm getting a little bored with the drab olive look of screed. just thought i'd share that thought while i prepare to enjoy my last day of unemployment...

Saturday, May 07, 2005

for the Librarian (or, moonless nights bring me low)

I guess we didn’t have legs. I don’t know how you are – if you’re well, with someone, not well, alone, happy, busy, angry, indifferent or living in a yurt. I wish I knew how you are.

I met someone the other day. We only had one conversation but he reminded me of you. He even looked a little like you – tall, bearded, broad. He recognized the Billy Collins line ‘pages with tiny sentences.’ He named bands that flew right over my head. Talking with him felt familiar. That kind of recognition happened only once before. Reflected in you I saw a friend from my past, a friend I should have held closer. In this one’s conversation, you’re the shadow in the mirror.

This is guilt: when a person makes a mistake that goes unacknowledged, that person is doomed to repeat it, to keep living it, until she gets it right or, at least admits her mistake. Here is my guilty admission: my legs gave out and I never told you. I couldn’t go the distance. I broke my word.

I still wish I knew how you are. Selfish, I know. But in that I'm consistent.

Friday, May 06, 2005

rendering unto caesar...

i forgot about this story.

so, as usual, i was just under the wire this year filing my taxes. i filed online and was set to receive a not too shabby refund. i looked forward to this refund considering this is my LotD period (Lady of the Day, for the uninitiated.)

so i waited the requisite 5-10 business days. no deposit of healthy influx of cash from my government. checked a week later...and so on. then, monday, i received a bland white envelope from our friendly dept of the treasury. if i was slightly paler i think i would have blanched when i opened it.

in a crisp tone i was informed that since i still had an outstanding debt (bad student loan, bad!) they decided to apply my tax refund to the debt. helpful of them, huh?

here endeth the lesson: do not fuck with uncle sam's money.

a crushing blow

Guardian Unlimited | The Guardian | Shaw's poetic put-down up for sale

i guess shaw wasn't a big fan of the 3-up/3-down method of constructive criticism.

[via bookslut]
the reference saga continues. large national non-profit will make a decision today after speaking with another reference but on tuesday i have a meeting with a colleague's husband who's starting his own non-profit in the south loop and he really really needs someone to help run it.

yes. RUN it. he's involved with the grant and development aspect and now he needs someone to organize and take charge of one of their three main program areas: charity, outreach, or education.

silly fears: huh? that's too much! if i'm interested and he wants me to come aboard, what if it's too big? what if i can't handle it? what if what if what if? what if (gasp) i'm doomed to FAILURE??

i hate spinning in circles like this, being caught in a vortex of cowardice. where is the fearless woman i thought i was? where is the woman who up and left the safety of academia to come to chicago and live in a studio apartment in boystown just because? where is the woman who bravely decided not to fight for a job she hated and quit? where's that foolhardy chick who, once upon a time, traveled to far cities to meet boys she only just 'met' online?? where's that woman?

if you find her, please tell her to give me a call.

UPDATED: The national woman centric non-profit just called to make me an offer and I SAID YES!! I'm in! I no longer have to prostrate myself before the hog of Capital!! Instead, I'll be laid out in front of the little squirrel called Service to Others!! I'm so happy I could make myself a celebratory margerita right now!

In fact, I'll do just that! (In the meantime, if anyone knows of any nifty budgeting tricks and ways to get by on less than 32k/yr, I'd love to hear it. Really. I'm not kidding.)


meanwhile, the Worst Romance Novel in the World is chugging along nicely. our hero and heroine have just successfully snogged and are presently experiencing recriminations and just barely bridled lust.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

oprah update: cheating

yes, i'm a lady of the day and i like watching oprah while catching up on the news online. so far this week we've had nate birkus' return to interior decorating after recovering from the loss of his friend to a tsunami and sitting naked with other refugees on a littered beach; brooke shields has confessed she hated being a mother; and new skin care/plastic surgery techniques because that's what security moms in the burbs of chicago are all about.

this morning was a room full of married men talking about their cheating (while their wives listen from another room, no less). the best part? when gently confronted by his wife a skinny husband starts to cry; the sight of his wimpy tears incurs the wrath of the Mighty O who berates him - 'your tears don't mean a damn thing. you're playing at relationship and you need to strip yourself naked in front of your wife and be honest! be honest! stop your cryin', step up and be a real man!'

the lesson? do NOT confess to cheating and cry in front of Mighty O. she will kick you in your ass, yank off your pud and then make you eat it - on TV.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

technical support

i've been wanting to add a button to my sidebar and can't figure out the effing thing.

i'm tech-dumb.

ah, san francisco.

sometimes i miss my home state.

and, no.

that is NOT ME on the right of the not very work-safe poster.

[thanks nam]

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

so. reference checks.

what a pain - especially when you're pretty sure the lukewarm words from your ex-ceo will totally drive a nail in your employment coffin. perhaps i didn't do enough to hide the boredom and contempt i had for my job. hm. always a problem. and perhaps i necessarily wasn't inspired by the endless tedious task of managing her calendar. and maybe i hated my job with a hatred that burned hotter than a sunspot. and maybe they knew that.

but that's no reason not to LIE and say, Ding is a fabulous wonderful person and you would be lucky to have her at your non profit agency. hire her!

see? that's not so hard.


of dad's visit:

breaking into an enthusiastic and impromptu toast to birth control toward the end of the cocktail party i threw for my father.

heh. i think there will soon be a photo.

Monday, May 02, 2005


There are things that I absolutely love about my dad:
He can talk to anyone
He’s smart
He’s funny
He’s dedicated to his ideas and lives with integrity
He’s emotional (sometimes too emotional – dude, you cry more than I do!!)
He looks really handsome in his clerical collar and women dig him (heh)

Then there are the things that make me want to scream:
He still doesn’t understand women (he loves us, but he doesn’t quite get us)
His ability to read a room is still uneven
His way of listening bears a strong resemblance to talking over you

I don’t think I truly understood until this weekend how much distance stands between his generation and mine; he was genuinely puzzled by my assertion that lovers should be friends and I was totally in the dark when he tried to explain what it meant to be ‘female’. Some of our conversations seemed to be at such cross purposes we may have needed a translator.

But there isn’t such a distance that I couldn’t see why I’ve chosen the life I have and the people I share that life with. You see, despite all my father’s weird-ass 61 yr old befuddlement at pop culture (Desperate Housewives almost killed him) and birth control (do NOT get him started on why black men don’t like condoms) my dad’s a guy who knows what he knows and will dig in the dirt until you finally eke out a position of your own to stand by. He honestly doesn’t care what you think of him (in that good way – though there are disturbing similarities to george w bush’s ‘resolve’ that makes me want to hit somebody); he just cares that people are thinking. And he honestly wanted to know what my friends thought about everything – sex, men, relationships, the Bible, our families, each other. (I think he freaked out my friend T- who was mortified at his whole idea of femininity and church; unsurprisingly, my father is a big fan of patriarchy.) His strong personality made me used to the strong personalities of my own friends.

In him, as much as they might shudder, I see aspects of my friends (or is it the other way 'round?):
They can talk to anyone (especially people like my dad)
They’re smart
They’re funny
They’re dedicated to their ideals and live with integrity
They’re emotional
They look really good and people dig them